Dear Relationshipper,

I need an opinion from someone totally removed from the situation thereby making that opinion objective.  My friends and family are driving me crazy with their ideas that I don't ask for.

I'm 34 and have been dating "Sam" for almost a year.  He's 38.  We're both employed, have been previously married/divorced, no kids, reasonably intelligent, fairly low-maintenance.  We both earn good salaries and have made good choices in investments, etc. so future financial security is not an issue.

The so-called problem?  We see each other about 5 nights a week and usually we stay in, either at my place or his.  We cook together or order in and spend the evening watching a movie or playing card/board games at which we're both good and love to win!  This is mostly my choice which no one can understand.  Occasionally we go out to dinner and a movie or socialize with friends but usually it's just us at home.  Sam is more than willing to go out more but he goes along with my preference.  My friends and family think he's a cheapskate or is hiding from someone or something and that's why we stay home so much.  I don't feel I have to explain everything to them but their beliefs are starting to affect the way they treat Sam and that's why I have to solve this somehow.

I've had plenty of years of going out and I really just don't like it.  Why is it such a big deal that I like staying home?  I feel like I finally have a life that is pretty great - a good job, a nice home, a wonderful man who loves me and treats me well with respect and generosity.  I don't have any burning need to get married or have kids.  About the only change I might make is moving in together which he wants to do but I'm being very cautious about making that commitment.  I got burned badly in my marriage and I guess I always hold back that 1% instead of making a full commitment.

What do you think I should say to those who are concerned?  Nothing or a half-explanation or a full explanation?

Homebody,
Scranton, PA

Dear Homebody,

I love this question!  I am a bit of a homebody myself, and I can completely relate to having to explain to others why you don’t really want to go out.  But on the other hand, I can understand their wanting to see you!  Don’t forget, that’s really a compliment!

However, if you don’t want to go out, there is no explanation you need to give anyone.  When people feel it’s best to behave in a certain way, they have a tendency to force that way on others.  If they make a comment about your desire to stay home, you can just tell them that you find all the joy in the world just being at home with Sam.  (Honestly, to me, your arrangement sounds like Heaven on Earth – but again, I’m a bit biased.)

All that aside, it seems as though your question is really found at the end of your letter.  I’m concerned that you’re still holding back, even if it’s just a little.  It sounds like you have a wonderful man who has forsaken the rest of the world in order to spend time with you.  You should try to let go of that previous marriage.  Sam is a different man; don’t punish him for what someone else did.  I’m not saying you need to jump into a full commitment with him, but please consider that it looks like Sam wants your undivided attention.  That little part of your heart that got burned: re-grow it.  Those tears you shed over that other guy?  Collect them in a pail and wash the place clean.

Instead of wasting time worrying about what other people think of you spending a lot of time at home, use that energy to improve your relationship with Sam.  If you can tell that he might be in the mood to go to the movies instead of renting one to watch in your living room, humor him and venture out.  Make Sam your #1 priority, not the opinions of your friends and family.

Best,
Lisa

Do you like to go out and your mate likes to stay in?  Tell me about it: lisa@relationshipper.com.