Dear Relationshipper,

I have to make a life-changing decision soon and I'm so confused.  My friends and family have different opinions and of course everyone is trying to influence me but it just causes me to be more undecided.

My boyfriend has received a great job offer that is a terrific opportunity and he would be a blithering idiot to turn it down.  The problem is that the job requires him to move to a state across the country.  We have talked for hours about it and still can't come up with anything that is agreeable to both of us.

We have been together for over a year and have talked marriage but nothing definite because I'm not sure I want to get married now.  I have a great job that I've had for 7 years.  Started at the bottom and worked my way up to an important position by doing a good job.  I was born in this town, have lived here all my life.  All my family and friends are here.

How do I know what to do?  What factors should be most important?  I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life but I don't know what the "wrong" decision is!

Undecidedly undecided,
Utah

Dear Undecided,

Choosing whether or not to move away with your boyfriend is one of the toughest relationship decisions there is.  How do you know whether to take a chance on love?  It’s a remarkably difficult decision, requiring some intense prioritizing.

Sacrificing one’s own needs for another person is an incredibly romantic gesture.  However, there is this little thing called “reality” that can make quite a mess out of the best-intentioned deeds.  Sure, there are a good many people that are willing to up and move for their loved one – even to a foreign country – and there are others who aren’t as willing to take that risk.  For now, we’ll just examine your particular situation.

You say that you’re not sure if you want to get married right now – which is certainly your prerogative.  But don’t you think that displacing yourself far away from your good job, family and friends is a pretty big commitment in itself?  Just as marriage is something that should be taken seriously, so is altering the entirety of your daily life for another person.  I think it’s possible that your life would change more if you moved across the country for him, as opposed to marrying him and staying in your home town.

There was one main element of your letter that leads me to believe you should not move away with him.  Or should I say, one main element that your letter lacked.  You did not mention how much you loved him.  You mentioned an attachment to your job, family and friends – but I didn’t hear you express any deep love for your boyfriend.  If you wanted to give up everything to be with him, you could make this move work.  It’s all about deciding what is really important to you, and it doesn’t seem like your relationship is your number one priority.  If you saw your boyfriend as marriage material and you were resolute in wanting to start a life with him, then I’d say by all means move.  However, I’m not getting this impression.

Lastly, keep in mind that this decision doesn’t have to be the final step.  Should you not decide to accompany him, you could change your mind in a month.  If this relationship is truly meant to be, you won’t be able to stand being apart.  If you are worried about making the “wrong” decision, know that whatever you choose, it’s reversible.

If you have any additional questions, send them to me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Best of luck!
Lisa