Is She Too Picky?

Is there a such thing possible as someone’s standards being too high? And if yes, how would you describe that?  I often feel that way and lately, as I've discussed with others exactly what I'm hunting for, they seem not to understand what I'm making such a "big deal" about. Simply put, I don't like to waste time with someone who's likely not to be around for a long time (read: forever). I don't often come across possible romantic interest that share my morals and views, it makes me wonder if I'm asking for way too much.

Dear Connie,
It can be difficult to gauge whether or not we are being appropriately selective with our potential mates, or abnormally picky.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be picky.  Having standards that are too low can get you in even more trouble.  In order to determine if you are being overly finicky, you need to assess the quality or qualities you are rejecting.  In your case, you state that you’re looking for someone who shares your morals and views.

Having similar morals and views is very important in a relationship.  If two people are quite different in their belief systems, this can trigger a multitude of conflicts.  Having similar standpoints on major issues make it much easier to compromise when problems arise.  So I actually think it’s a great thing that you are sticking to your guns and looking for someone who shares your outlook on life.

However, there was one bit that gave me pause.  The way you worded your concern – that you wanted someone to be around “forever” – makes me wonder if you’re not pushing men away because you’re afraid they will leave you.  I can’t imagine why your friends would ever question your desire to have a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone who has a similar stance on life than you do.  Is it possible that you’re searching for a saint?  If you are indeed looking for someone who is 100% perfect, I do suggest toning down your standards just a touch.  But if you sincerely just want a good, decent man who is going to stick around for the long haul, then I’m with ya, baby.

I cover this very topic in my new book, titled “3 Questions”, which is due to be released in Spring, 2010.

Email me now at with any question you’ve got!


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