Dear Relationshipper,

My mother is an attractive woman in her late 40's.  She and my dad were divorced years ago - it was an ugly divorce after an ugly marriage so she was glad to end it all and we kids were actually happy that she was free.  My dad mistreated her and she mistakenly thought she had to stay and endure that for the sake of the kids.  There are 5 of us.  She just recently started dating and apparently her ability to choose wisely is still missing.

The guy she's dating is around 44-45 and she's crazy about him because he showers compliments on her along with little gifts and is always telling her how beautiful she is.  The problem is that he's also hitting on my 2 youngest sisters and they're scared to tell our mother because they know how happy she is.  They're only 18 and 19 and have never run into this type of situation before.  I'm married but the first time he tried to put his hands on me, I lowered my voice and told him if he ever tried it again he'd have to go to the next county to find his family jewels.  He got the point and left me alone.

My husband wants to deal with the guy but I don't want for something to happen and have my husband go to jail.  My sisters spend a lot of time at my house and our mother is annoyed because of that.

Is this something we should tell her or hope that she just gets tired of him in her own time?  It's such a delicate thing because we don't want to have her mad at us or blame us for her being alone.

Donna
Toronto

Dear Donna,

Old habits are hard to break, aren’t they?  I definitely think you should tell your mother what has happened between her new boyfriend and her daughters.  She has the right to know, and to keep this from her would be fair.  Of course, this won’t guarantee a favorable reaction (as you stated), but at least she will have been given the right information to make her decision.

You also have to take into consideration the safety of your sisters.  If this guy is this much of a jerk as to hit on his girlfriend’s young daughters, you don’t know what else he is capable of.  They need to be protected.  Just as you told him to stay away from you, he should be told to stay away from your sisters as well.  If your mother won’t do it, I suggest you be the one to tell him.

I don’t think your husband needs to get involved, though I can understand his desire to.  Since he’s left you alone after you told him to shape up, I’m going to assume that he will stop being inappropriate to your sisters if he is told not to.

Long answer short, your mother needs to know what is going on.  If she chooses to turn a blind eye to the situation, then that says she cares more about her own ego than the welfare of her own children.  If that is the case, there’s not much you can do to change her mind.  So I say, give her the opportunity to do the right thing and if she doesn’t, the rest of you will have to do the “right thing” on your own – and that’s to make sure he doesn’t try to impose his lecherous ways on you any longer.

Best of luck.

Lisa

Family problems?  Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.