Kill Jealousy at the Source

Dear Lisa,

I am having trouble trusting my husband.  I am an extremely jealous woman and I get furious at even the idea of him looking at another woman.  We fight about it almost daily and it is really putting a strain on our marriage. How do I get over the fact that my husband will find other women attractive?

Reno, Nevada

Dear Jealous,

It’s understandable that you might feel jealous at some point in your relationship.  In fact, jealousy can be a good thing – it can be utilized to make us remember how much we love our partner.  Without jealousy, we wouldn’t be as inclined to want commitment and closeness and we do when there is the possibility of a threat from other women/men.

However, unreasonable jealousy is always a result of poor self-esteem.  That may sound a bit harsh – or maybe not even sound accurate, but I assure you, it is true.  However, that should be good news – your jealousy is not warranted!

To me, jealousy is a bit like any phobia – if one has a fear of spiders, they feel as though the spider is going to harm them in some way, but logically one knows that it won’t.  Phobias are generally characterized as a debilitating fear of something that we logically know isn’t harmful.  If you knew that your husband wouldn’t ever stray, and you have been guaranteed of it – would your fear subside?  Or would you still feel insecure?

The best antidote for jealousy is to bolster one’s self esteem.  How you do that is up to you.  I find it best to figure out what traits we feel insecure about, and then change them.  If you feel overweight, start a weight loss plan.  If you feel undereducated, take some classes.  Analyze the women you feel threatened by, and figure out what it is about them that threatens you.  Then become that – not in a way where you stop being true to yourself, but in a way that embellishes that part of you.  Generally if we are jealous of someone, it is because there is a little part of us that is dying to be seen, but we feel we are not “good enough” or that it is just not “us”.  There are always ways to implement these characteristics, even if it is not in the way others implement them.  For instance: if you are jealous of a woman who is a great singer, you shouldn’t necessary sign up for karaoke, but consider singing in the shower when your boyfriend is in the next room.  Let that part of you out, even if it’s in a small way.

As for the jealousy, treat it in the same way they treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  When you feel the obsessive need to be jealous, just stop.  Don’t give it another thought.  Say to yourself, “Nope, we don’t have those thoughts any more.  I’m choosing to think about something else.”

It may take a while but I assure you, if you keep working on your own self-esteem and stop giving your jealousy your time and energy, you will begin to feel better.

Best of luck.


Jealous?  Need more tips?  Just ask:


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