"Where Did All of Those Birthday Candles Come From?"

Dear Lisa,

I have been dating a wonderful man for several months and I can really say he is what I've been waiting for all my adult life.  Our families accept us as a couple so we're included in all gatherings.  His kids from his previous marriage are well-mannered and treat me nicely too.  He owns his own business, has a nice home, doesn't smoke, and is very attractive.  I know you're thinking I'm crazy to be asking for any kind of advice when I'm in this ideal situation.

The problem is that he believes I'm 39 and I'm really 29.  The issue is that he's 48 and is steadfastly against dating much-younger women.  I've felt just terrible every time he or someone else remarks on how young I look for my age and I've been tempted to tell him the truth but I'm afraid he'll leave me.  His kids are almost my age.

I've always preferred older guys and have never dated anyone my own age.  Even in high school I was dating older boys.  I guess different people have different theories but all I know is that I believe he is right for me and the age difference doesn't matter.  I don't want to have kids.  I have a lucrative career and own a nice house so I'm not after his money.  I think he is on the verge of realizing he's in love with me too and I just don't know what to do.

Is there a way out of this insanity?

29 Going on 39

Dear 29,

I completely agree that the adage “age doesn’t matter” is fully applicable to your love for your boyfriend.  You do have a significant age difference, but there’s no reason that it can’t work out.  However, there is another saying that goes, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive.”

Relationships flourish in honest environments.  Any lie, big or small, can breed emotions such as: worry, fear, dread, betrayal, suspicion – and a general feeling of being unloved.  Those kinds of emotions don’t enhance our relationships.  The security of your relationship must be restored with truth.  You may be worried about how he will feel when he finds out, but you have to understand that your feelings of worry will also adversely affect your relationship.  Your own tension will put a strain on how you relate to him.

You need to tell him the truth – as soon as possible.  He will find out eventually, so why bother making him wait any longer?  The sooner you confess, the better he will react.

My advice would be to sit him down the very next time the two of you are alone.  Admit your age, and apologize with deep sincerity.  Channel the months of dishonesty into some heartfelt disclosures that come from deep down.  Tell him why you lied.  Is it because you thought he would never love you because you are so much younger?  Or is it something even more profound, like a deep-seated issue from childhood that causes you to be attracted to older men?

If you make yourself very vulnerable to him and he realizes exactly where you’re coming from, he will forgive you.  It’s amazing what we will forgive when we are in love with someone – even reverse a staunch preference for mates of a certain age, or previous transgressions.

I hope that everything works out great for you and your boyfriend.

Are there any ladies out there who are significantly older than their boyfriends?  Email me at lisa@relationshipper.com!



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