"Dull and Boring" Relationship?

Dear Lisa,
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. At first our lives were full of excitement. We would go out and do things on the spur of the moment. We would find ways to make all areas of our lives exciting and new. Here lately however, it feels like we are more like roommates that have boring lives. We rarely go out and do anything just on the spur of the moment. We have the same schedule that we follow all the time. Everything is just so bland and boring. When we try to come up with new ideas we can't. It seems like we have already done everything. How do we rekindle the excitement that we used to have, and make our lives new and exciting like it used to be, instead of boring and dull like it has become now?


Dear Trisha,

Your issue is certainly not uncommon.  Many couples experience a lull after the initial excitement of a new relationship.  In the beginning it feels like there are endless possibilities, which are energized by a desire to impress the other.  We are high on love, and even something as simple as eating breakfast together can be a world of exhilaration.  Just looking into each other’s beautiful eyes is a whirlwind experience.

But time passes, and the joys that once gave us ecstasy begin to lose their luster.  We may even start blaming each other for the lull.  We try to coax our mate into bringing us that same feeling of energy, by taking us somewhere or doing something fun.  Chances are, they are in the same position you are, and just don’t know how to tackle their now monotonous lifestyle.  Also, your partner may be feeling too pressured to perform, and will just settle on doing nothing instead of trying – and possibly failing.

So how do you overcome this?  Well, the first step is to take responsibility for your own boredom.  Know that you mustn’t look to your partner to inspire you.

Secondly, try to aptly pin down exactly what you’re missing.  What is it in the past that you feel you lack now?  It’s not just as simple as “excitement”.  Is it a feeling of “newness”?  Is it a feeling of the unknown, or risk, that you once enjoyed?  Make a mental note of the five times you and your husband had the most fun.  What was the common theme?  Maybe you’re just looking to feel as loved as you did when you first got together.  The perception of having a “dull” relationship is usually not as straightforward as you are just “bored”.

There is always something new to undertake in life.  If you’re not finding it together, find it yourself.  Start a new class or hobby to improve yourself.  Learn more about the world, or hone untapped talents.  Go on a vacation to somewhere you’ve never been (and take him with you)!

Both you and your husband are complex, fascinating people.  Figure out if it’s you who needs to come out of her shell, or your relationship needs to take an unexpected turn, like buying a couple of plane tickets to Chicago for a weekend trip for some deep dish pizza.

Don't forget to email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com with your questions!


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