The Relationshipper

July's Love Tip of the Month

2010-07-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

LOVE TIP OF THE MONTH – JULY

“Opposites attract because they attempt to move towards the center that lies between them. Two opposing qualities, personalities or viewpoints complement each other because they inspire awakening – which brings positive change, if you let it.”

So here we are, smack dab in the middle of Summer. That doesn’t meant you have to let conflicts get you heated! Let the “opposites” of your relationship bring you closer together when you meet in the middle. Polarized attributes can bring about some really monumental transformation – and it doesn’t require fussing and fighting (although indeed, struggle is often part of change, even positive change). Here are three ways to keep you focused on celebrating your differences:

1.) Acknowledge the fact that you have attracted this person into your life. If he’s a procrastinator, you may have an innate need to motivate others. Regardless of his personality traits, there is something in you that craves his ways. Take responsibility for your role in the relationship, and you will immediately gain power – because you are only in control of your own thoughts and actions…not his.

2.) Try to remember what initially attracted you to your mate. Was it his determined, “Type A” personality? Oftentimes the traits that first attract us to someone end up being the same traits that get on our nerves after a few years. This is because we instinctually desire growth, and what we are attracted to invariably produces personal growth. So was it his aggressive personality something that you were attracted to in the beginning? What changed? Was it because it caused you to change? How so?

3.) Remember that whatever others do, it’s their own way of seeking love. As strange as it may be to apply to this theory to actions stemming from anger, fear, neurosis and sadness, everything we do is to get closer to love. We call each other names because it makes us feel more important, and therefore more lovable. We are too afraid to step out of our comfort zone because we don’t want to be judged, and therefore less lovable. Always try to look at your mate’s less desirable traits and examine how he or she is really seeking more love.

This is why it’s important to meet in the middle. Our own individual personality traits are each beautiful in their own way, but when we get too “off-center”, it indicates an imbalance of our love for ourselves. When we become too fearful, too domineering, or too passive, it means that we’ve lost some control. Respect your partner’s differences, as their influence may be exactly what you need in your life. Enjoy the move toward the center, as center equals equilibrium – also known as peace of mind.

Enjoy the rest of July!

Lisa

EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT ANY RELATIONSHIP ISSUES, (ROMANTIC, FRIENDSHIP, FAMILY, COWORKERS AND MORE) TO: LISA@RELATIONSHIPPER.COM

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If you’d like to subscribe to the “Love Tip of the Month” newsletter, send an email with the word “subscribe” in the subject line to: lisa@instantloveadvice.com, or sign up at www.instantloveadvice.com.

Son's Girlfriend's Father is His Wife's Lover?

2010-04-18T16:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Relationshippper,

I just found out that my wife is having an affair with our son's girlfriend’s father (he is also married). I am worried on so many different levels.
What should I do?

Sincerely,
Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

I’m sorry to hear of this trouble. Certainly this must be a very hard time for you. Coping with infidelity is a complex issue that can be dealt with in different ways by everyone. Your objective right now may be to end your relationship with your wife, or it could be that you want to find a way to work things out with her. The choice is yours. However, I would like you to keep a few things in mind.

#1.    You must confront her about the affair. Please don’t sweep this under the rug and deny its existence. This is will only cause you to repress a lot of resentment and anger, which will either explode out of you at some point, or you will end up making yourself sick for bottling up all of this negative energy.

#2.    Don’t blame yourself. While it’s true that you must be having some sort of problems in your relationship, your wife made the poor decision of finding love (or maybe just lust) somewhere else before either trying to resolve things with you, or breaking off the relationship.

#3.    Don’t get your son or his girlfriend involved. You may at some point need to be honest with them about this situation, but I would avoid getting them involved at all costs. If your son’s girlfriend’s father wants to tell her the truth, then let him make that decision. I would probably not approach your son’s girlfriend’s wife, either. It may be tempting to gain “power in numbers”, but it could also escalate this situation out of your control.

Best of luck to you. It won’t be easy, but time heals all. Try to keep a level head, and eventually things will work out.

Email me your questions to lisa@instantloveadvice.com. I know, it’s yet another new email!

Stupid Arguments and How to Banish Them Forever

2010-04-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

I've got a post over on the Yahoo "Shine" blog. It's called "Stupid Arguments and How to Banish Them Forever".

Tell me what you think...did I miss anything? Do you have your own techniques?

Link to Yahoo Blog on Stupid Arguments

Finally! "Instant Love Advice" Available on Amazon.com

2010-04-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Finally, my new book Instant Love Advice for Women is available on amazon.com. There's been a lot of hard work and anxiety up until this point, but I am thrilled that it is finally available to the masses (masses = amazon availability, 'natch...)

I apologize for the product inundation the past couple of days, but I am trying to get used to the "sales" aspect of writing...which I absolutely detest.

If you do buy the book, please don't hesitate to post a review on amazon, good or bad. Also, feel free to drop me a line at lisa@instantloveadvice.com and let me know what I got right, and what I missed!

Hope to meet you soon,
Lisa

What To Do When You're Friend's Headed for Heartbreak.

2010-04-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have a very dear friend who has been dating a man for five years. He was married when they met. They were together as teens, but her mother broke them up. She waited for 5 years for this man to divorce his wife. He didn't. His wife divorced him. Now she's waiting patiently for him to get his act together and find a place to live, finish some projects he started at her home and decide when to marry her. It's never going to happen, in my opinion and if it does he will never make her happy because he drinks from the minute he wakes until he passes out at night. What could she be thinking? How can I make her see that he will ruin her life?

Katrina, TN

Dear Katrina,

This is another one of those situations where unfortunately you just have to stay out of it. The bad news about this situation is its inevitable “bad ending”. The good news is that hopefully it’s only a matter of time before your friend sees the light. The worst news is that there is no way you can personally make her see what she’s doing. She had to find out for herself.

I always encourage people to be honest with their friends when they’re in a bad relationship. By all means, let your friend know the truth. But if it looks as though it’s going in one ear and out the other, don’t waste your breath – save the oxygen for the deep breaths you’ll need to calm yourself down in the future.

Unfortunately, your friendship may suffer because of this unhealthy relationship she has with this man. You may find that it’s best for you to keep a distance from your friend while she comes to her senses (or not). If you do decide to part ways, it won’t necessarily be a bad thing. If she doesn’t realize her mistakes, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of grief. If she does, then she’ll realize you were right all along, and want to rekindle your friendship.

Hang in there. Friends who make really poor decisions tend to drag us down emotionally and spiritually. Keep your focus on the positive things in your life, and try not to be brought down by your friend, even though it’s because you care about her so much.

Got more questions? Email me at: Lisa@instantloveadvice.com.

"Instant Love Advice" Coming Soon! Plus, New Website.

2010-04-12T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to say that "Instant Love Advice for Women" is in the final stages of production. I'm hoping it will be available for purchase by May 1st - although I think that might be pushing it.

I'm also working on the ILA4W website, located at www.instantloveadvice.com. It's still in limbo at the moment, but will be neatened up soon.

Stop by and check it out when you have a chance...maybe even reserve your copy! : )

Thanks to all who helped me write this, including my boyfriend Matt - who has helped me not only in my writing career, but in the rest of my life too. He helped me develop the relationship maturity that I needed to write this book.

Guest Post: Pamela Hilliard Owens on Her Successful Marriage

2010-04-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

Today we have guest poster Pamela Hilliard Owens of Writing It Right For You stopping by to talk about her happy marriage. There are few topics that I enjoy more. It's so relaxing and reassuring to hear about how to make things work as opposed to hearing about what can go wrong. Let's now turn it over to Pamela so she can tell us her story:

Relationships do turn out well; marriages do work. Besides the regular “love”, the two reasons why our marriage works is that we decided long ago that we were “best friends” and we made a “this is it” commitment. Of course we have arguments and disagreements and get angry at each other. Even after all of this time, it is sometimes a daily task to work through whatever needs to be resolved. My husband talks FOREVER; I have learned to ask for the “short version”! I have never “forgiven” him for eating ALL of the leftover chicken himself before I got home from work one day in 1999. But our basic values and common interests are the same, and we laugh much more than we argue. Our wedding anniversary is September 11; I wrote this little story several years ago and post it on my blog every year. How do we do it? Being together is much better than being apart.

September 11th

September 11, 1998.

That is our wedding anniversary. It was chosen totally by accident: after "being friends" for over ten years, we decided in August 1997, to "take our relationship to the next level". After several rounds of "telephone tag", we made a date on Thursday, September 11, 1997 to discuss taking "the big step". By Thanksgiving we knew we would always be together; we just knew. Everything went well and in February 1998, we became engaged. We chose as our wedding date, Friday, September 11, 1998--only because that date was exactly one year from the day we decided to make our relationship permanent. Besides, our wedding was very small: 10 guests, the minister, and our favorite Patti LaBelle song on CD. Then came 2001--after experiencing the shock along with the rest of America, I was kinda "bummed" that the Attacks happened on our third wedding anniversary, until…on Thursday, September 13, 2001, I saw a gentleman on TV walking around and around the Pentagon looking totally despondent and lost. I found out from the TV commentary that September 11 2001 was his TWENTY-FIFTH wedding anniversary, and he had lost his wife in the Pentagon. They were going to have a celebration dinner that night after she came home from work...of course, she never did come home. I was never "bummed" again; and the picture of that lost and broken man will never leave me.

Pamela Hilliard Owens

After a career of 35+ years in education, collaborative sales and sales management and marketing, I started my own freelance writing and editing business in July of 2008. My company, Writing It Right for You knows that "It Matters How You Say It"! I work with individuals, graduate and post-graduate students, and businesses throughout the United States, Canada, the Middle East, India, Russia, Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom on a variety of academic and business writing and editing projects.

My specialties include working with graduate students--especially ESL students, anything involving education, ghost-writing and working with authors, writing web content, social media marketing and networking, direct sales, and writing and editing various papers of any length involving research and/or APA citations. I also do affiliate marketing and maintain more than three personal, political and business blogs and guest blog for several clients around the world.

My office is open Mondays-Fridays 9am-5pm US ET; I can be reached at any time by phone, fax, Skype, Gtalk, Yahoo IM, and email. I am a full-time, mature and experienced researcher, writer and editor; my office is fully equipped with the latest hardware, high-speed Internet, FTP and MS 2007 Office Suite. I am also proficient in Web 2.0 apps and social media.

Don't You Dare Pay for Dinner!

2010-04-08T02:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

Why is it so terribly improper for the woman to pay for a date? My boyfriend of 8 months dumped me last night and this was the cause, according to him.

Recently I was hoping for a promotion and he was very supportive and encouraging about it. When I was informed that I got it, I called him and said "Hi. I got that promotion so tonight I want to take you out to celebrate" and he said that was fine. That night we went to a pretty nice restaurant and had a really good time until the check arrived. The server put it in the middle of the table and when I reached for it, my boyfriend snapped at me and asked what I was doing. When I said I had told him I was taking him out to celebrate, he said he had never let a woman pay the check and never would. We exchanged a few ideas about who was being more silly and ended up splitting the check evenly. He took me home and said it's over. I haven't heard from him and that was about a week ago.

Was I wrong? Should I apologize? Is the male ego that fragile or is he an exception? I'm really confused.

Sincerely,
Moneybags

Dear Moneybags,

Jeepers! This guy has got quite a complex. I’m going to guess that maybe his father was a mooch, and he fears becoming just like him. He has some sort of deep-seated issues regarding money…that run a little too deep, if you ask me.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, and as fragile as men’s egos can be sometimes, this is definitely a little more fragile than usual. I would say that you dodged a bullet with this one, because if he’s ready to cast a woman off this easily over a dinner tab, then God only knows what you’d have to deal with in the future.

If you were in a “real” relationship with a great guy, I might suggest that you let him pay for dinner if it’s that important to him. Sometimes when people have a real “thing” about something, it’s best to let it be (especially if it involves getting a free dinner!) But this guy is a little over the top. Consider yourself lucky.

Lisa

Been on any crazy first dates? Email me about them, at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

New Hubby Wants Child Support?

2010-04-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have been married for about 18 months and am finding that money issues really can be big headaches. I was previously married, worked and had 2 kids. My ex pays child support regularly. My present husband and I talked about money before we got married and agreed on a scenario of having one joint checking account where all incoming money was deposited except for the child support. I have a separate checking account for that to make sure I have a clear record that what comes in for them is spent on them.

My husband now wants me to close that account and just maintain the one joint checking account. I see absolutely no advantage or logic to that and he doesn't seem to have any real reason for it other than it's what he wants. He just can't or won't give me any reason for his change of heart. I'm totally baffled by it and am not willing to change something that has worked well in the past without a logical reason.

Am I missing something here that is obvious to you?

Casey, Glens Falls NY

Dear Casey,

I agree, this does seem a bit odd. There are most likely one of three scenarios happening here. 1) Your husband doesn’t trust you with the child support money, 2) Your husband is being a little stingy, and wants you to contribute more money, or 3) He feels as though you are keeping the child support as a “safety net” in case your relationship doesn’t work out.

While it’s true that it’s not really necessary that you keep the child support cash out of your joint account, it’s also not really any of his business. That money is specifically dedicated for the benefit of your two children, and has nothing to do with him. He had already previously agreed to keep that money separate, so you have done nothing wrong.

You are under no obligation to change the way you handle this money. However, if you don’t, there will be an underlying resentment between you and your husband if you don’t figure out the root of his issue. There must be something going on – and whatever you do with your finances will not resolve the real problem that is at hand here.

Remind your husband that you had an agreement, and at this point you see no cause to change that agreement. However, he needs to discuss with you the issue that is really going on. Maybe he has a reason that you will agree with! Encourage him to tell you what is on his mind, so you can resolve this instead of letting it fester.

Let him know that you are open-minded and want to relieve him of this tension, but making him feel better will depend on his ability to communicate his feelings. If he doesn’t, the money stays put!

Good luck,
Lisa

Money problems? Lets talk about them. Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Copycats Need Not Apply

2010-04-04T02:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My brother's wife is driving me totally nuts. She copies everything I do and the family makes fun of her (behind her back) but they just tell me it's a form of flattery and to ignore it. I maintain that it is NOT flattery and it's irritating as an itch that you can't reach.

She has turned their apartment into a replica of mine. She goes to the same hairdresser and asks for the identical cut/style that I get. She has bought the same clothes/shoes after she sees mine - and she doesn't seem to care that the colors I wear are not flattering on her. My taste in music runs from Peabo Bryson to Enya to Sarah Brightman - guess what's in her CD cabinet? I discovered that she has a running list of what I keep in MY pantry and that's her shopping list. I entertain a lot and do all the cooking because I like to cook so I keep a well-stocked kitchen. She doesn't know how to use half the stuff she has bought!

She's starting to creep me out with this behavior and I'm nervous about confronting her because I don't know if she's just immature or if there's more to it. She's 22 and doesn't have a job because my brother makes a very good living and told her she didn't have to work if she didn't want to. So she has lots of time to devote to this. They've been married 18 months.

How do you see it?

Sincerely,
Copied Cat

Dear Copied,

I hate to agree with your family, but this is a form of flattery! You sister-in-law clearly wants to become just like you. It sounds as though she is having trouble developing her own identity. 22 is still quite young, and maybe she’s a little nervous about becoming an adult and not sure that the world will accept her for who she is.

If you can’t tune out your SIL’s obsession with you, consider helping her to get more in tune with her true personality. If there’s anyone who can do that, it would be her role model! Approach the situation knowing that she really does idolize you, and is just a bit insecure. Get her to focus on her own great qualities, not yours.

For example: take her clothes shopping. Show her clothes that you think would really suit her. If she picks out something that looks just like your clothes, tell her, “That looks just like my shirt – you should get something that makes you stand out…you’ve got great legs, why don’t you try on one of these skirts?”

This poor girl needs someone to encourage her a little bit. Have some pity that she feels so lost. She is probably a wonderful person who just needs some guidance.

Lisa

What are your inlaws like? Email me about them at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Girls' Night Out Isn't Okay With Everyone...

2010-04-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My boyfriend travels a lot on business and is out of town 2-4 nights a week. My girlfriends are mostly unattached and like to go out several times a week so they frequently ask me to go too. He trusts me so he doesn't mind if I go, but his parents think it's awful and keep voicing their opinion that I should stay home.

I don't go out with them every time and we do not go bar-hopping. When I'm with them, we go out to dinner at places like Olive Garden or Applebee's and then to a movie. When I'm not there, they go to nice places to dance. Occasionally when we're at a restaurant, a guy or guys will try to send drinks and I exclude myself from that but I don't expect the others to decline because of me.

His parents happened to be at the same restaurant one night and saw me so they brought it up the next day when his mother called me. She just wouldn't buy my explanation and it's been a sore topic for discussion since then. My boyfriend is tired of them nagging about it but won't tell them to stop and says he doesn't expect me to change what I do either.

Is he being a wimp or am I placing too much importance on what his parents say?

Just Wants to Have Fun,
Boulder, CO

Dear Just,

I don’t think you’re being a wimp at all. It’s natural to want to appear your best, when dealing with your boyfriend’s parents. However, I do think they are giving you some undue judgment.

As long as you aren’t clearly scoping out guys, your BF’s parents have no business trying to tell you what to do with your social life. Frankly, I find it a bit demeaning. I’m sure you are a grown adult, and if anyone could get away with making some sort of comments about what you do with your free time, it would either be your boyfriend’s business, or maybe your own parents. His parents’ opinion is unnecessary in a situation like this.

However, your boyfriend should be the one to tell his parents to stop nagging you. If he doesn’t want to do that, then I would try and distance yourself from this situation. If you have Caller ID, don’t pick up when his mother calls. If you are around her and she brings up the topic, don’t get defensive, simply state that you would gladly spend more time at home if your boyfriend was there. But since he is not, and you’re a very social person, you prefer to lean on your close group of girl friends for support. Tell her you like to have someone to hang out with and talk about your day, and that there isn’t anything beyond that. If she presses the issue, simply change the topic. I highly doubt she will get in your face and start screaming, if you start talking to your boyfriend (or whoever else is around) about a new topic.

You won’t necessarily be able to change her mind, but you can certainly change yours. Know that you aren’t doing anything wrong, and set it in your mind that you no longer want to hear any questioning about your social life, and maybe she will start to “get it”.

What’s your boyfriend like? Tell me about him at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Meet the Parents - Interracial Edition

2010-03-31T02:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My parents are not bigots but I'm a little nervous how they'll react when they meet my boyfriend for the first time. We've been dating for about a year and have what I think is a good relationship. We are accepted as a couple by our friends and co-workers and haven't really noticed any prejudice when we go out. I must mention that we live/work in a very large city. My parents live in a small town halfway across the country and are coming to visit me soon.

His parents live nearby and treat me very well. We have spent a lot of time there, including last Christmas, and I feel very welcome. I don't think that a negative reaction from my parents would have any bearing on my relationship with my boyfriend but of course I would prefer that they like him.

Should I tell them now (via phone/email) to give them the chance to change their plans to visit? Or should I just act like there's nothing different and let them come ahead?

My boyfriend is of Japanese ancestry. He was born in New York but his parents were both born in Japan and lived through WWII. Both my parents had many relatives who served in the military in WWII and a few were killed.

Sincerely,
Cautiously Optimistic

Dear Cautious,

I don’t think that there should be any problem between your parents and your boyfriend – but if you think that they may have an uncomfortable reaction, you may want to give them a heads up about his nationality before they come to visit. I’m actually somewhat surprised that you haven’t mentioned it at any point in the past year!

My own grandparents emigrated from Germany to the U.S. in 1950. Some of the folks that were the most helpful to them during that awful and trying time, were Jewish people who, out of the kindness of their hearts, helped them get a job and find a place to live. If they could help Germans only five years after WWII ended, then I think your parents can manage to accept your relationship with your boyfriend.

Sometimes you need to give people the freedom to exhibit narrow-mindedness opinion. They are allowed to be themselves, as long as they are respectful to your boyfriend. But you know what? You also have to give people the opportunity to rise above their prejudices, and really get to know and like your boyfriend. If everyone else has been accepting of him, maybe they will too.

I can understand why you would want everyone to love your boyfriend, and never want to see him being judged. And I have a feeling that if you give your parents a chance, they may surprise you.

Interracial relationship issues? Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

5 Habits of the Happiest Couples - Yahoo

2010-03-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

I was perusing the articles on Yahoo today, and came across this one entitled, "5 Habits of the Happiest Couples I Know".

I'm taking a cue fromShine staffer Sarah McColl's post, "Five Habits of Happy People Even the Biggest GrumpCan Borrow."
When I looked at her tips and applied them to marriage, they seemed to ring pretty true. I thought I'dshare some with you so you'll be inspired also. Or not. I'msure you'll let me know.

The habits include: reaching out, being thankful, living your passion, making do, and enjoying the simple pleasures. The article is definitely based on the aforementioned "Five Habits of Happy People".

Take a look at the article and pop back and tell me what you think! Are you in a good relationship? Do you agree with the 5 habits listed here? Do you have others? Would you omit one of these?

When In-Laws Should be Outlawed.

2010-03-27T02:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My husband's job takes him out of town for 4-6 days at a time. He comes home and gets about 3 days before having to leave again. When he's home, we like to spend the time together because we've been married less than 2 years and we still feel like newlyweds.

Our main problem is his family not understanding this and he's ready to erupt because of their invasion of our space. His mother has a key to our house which we gave her for emergency use (she obviously doesn't know what "emergency" means) and she uses the key to come in when we don't answer the door or the phone. She gets really upset when we're there too! His brothers and sisters also feel free to show up when they feel like it.

We've tried inviting them all over for dinner once in a while and that just seems to whet their appetites to come around more. They don't seem to understand subtle hints/comments and while I know they love him and miss him, they're aggravating him tremendously.

Should I just let him blow up at them so they see how much it bothers him?

Cramped by In-Laws,
Lee, MA

Dear Cramped,

I wouldn’t suggest that your husband “blow up” at his family, but he definitely should talk to them. Everyone should be expected to have a certain degree of privacy in their own home – and his family is obviously not granting him that right.

Encourage your husband to speak with them maturely and with compassion. Instead of bottling up his anger, he should let it out mindfully. The point it not to shun his family, but make them realize the effect off their actions.

Have your husband spell out to them, in a kind manner, that he looks forward to having dinner with them on Sunday night, but because he is away so much, he prefers to spend most of his time with you. He can also explain to his mother that if he does not answer the phone or door, it is far more likely that the two of you are enjoying your time together rather than you are in trouble of some kind.

Finally, he should explain to her what “emergency” means! No entry unless there is a life at stake or she has been explicitly instructed to enter!

Don’t push his family away; simply hold them off from barging into your home whenever they feel like it.

Lisa

Got nosy in-laws? Tell me about them at: lisa@relationshipper.com!

Have I Got a Date For You!

2010-03-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

Now that I've driven myself nuts trying to decide what to do, I want to ask your opinion to see how other people might see things.

A few years ago I started working at a large company and became very friendly with a few people who are all nice, decent, bright, and socialize outside the office. One gal - I'll call her Jane - has been asking me to go on a blind date with someone she says is ideal for me. Jane and I are a lot alike with many of the same favorites in music, food, movies, books, views on politics and religion, etc. She's been married for about 2 years to her 2nd husband and he often joins the office group since he also works for the company but in a different division.

The guy she wants to set me up with is her ex-husband. I know it sounded weird to me at first but now I'm almost able to think the idea isn't so bizarre. They get along and their divorce was civil with no anger or bitterness. They got married young, had no kids, and just drifted apart as they grew up in different directions. There was no 3rd party involved. Jane's mother tells me he has an open invitation to any event at their house cause the whole family still likes him but they all feel it was the best thing for them to get divorced. She thinks I should meet him and ignore any raised eyebrows.

Do you think this is workable or should I stay away from the situation?

Unsure,
Portland, OR

Dear Unsure,

You have to hand it to your friend and her ex – they have obviously mastered the ability to let go of the past. It’s rare to find a woman who would whole-heartedly encourage another woman to date her ex-husband.

No one will be able to tell you whether this situation will work out or not. No one will be able to tell you if it will be “too weird” or not. My gut reaction is that it will definitely be too weird – but I believe that love should always be given a chance.

My suggestion is that you go out on a date with him, and don’t tell any of your coworkers except for your friend. Ask her not to tell her family, or anyone else. See if you even like the guy at all. If it turns out that you go on a date with him and the two of you are obviously incompatible, then there isn’t an issue to deal with anyway.

If the two of you really hit it off, you will be more motivated to deal with any possible judgments from others. I am less concerned about what others will think of your situation, and more concerned about any potential awkwardness between the three of you. If you sincerely find that your coworker and this guy have no “unfinished business”, then I wouldn’t worry about anything else! There definitely is a possibility that this idea is so crazy it just might work – and if that is the case, then by all means…go out with him!

Lisa

Are you in an unusual dating situation? Email it to me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Mom's New Boyfriend Loves Her Sisters...Too Much

2010-03-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My mother is an attractive woman in her late 40's. She and my dad were divorced years ago - it was an ugly divorce after an ugly marriage so she was glad to end it all and we kids were actually happy that she was free. My dad mistreated her and she mistakenly thought she had to stay and endure that for the sake of the kids. There are 5 of us. She just recently started dating and apparently her ability to choose wisely is still missing.

The guy she's dating is around 44-45 and she's crazy about him because he showers compliments on her along with little gifts and is always telling her how beautiful she is. The problem is that he's also hitting on my 2 youngest sisters and they're scared to tell our mother because they know how happy she is. They're only 18 and 19 and have never run into this type of situation before. I'm married but the first time he tried to put his hands on me, I lowered my voice and told him if he ever tried it again he'd have to go to the next county to find his family jewels. He got the point and left me alone.

My husband wants to deal with the guy but I don't want for something to happen and have my husband go to jail. My sisters spend a lot of time at my house and our mother is annoyed because of that.

Is this something we should tell her or hope that she just gets tired of him in her own time? It's such a delicate thing because we don't want to have her mad at us or blame us for her being alone.

Donna
Toronto

Dear Donna,

Old habits are hard to break, aren’t they? I definitely think you should tell your mother what has happened between her new boyfriend and her daughters. She has the right to know, and to keep this from her would be fair. Of course, this won’t guarantee a favorable reaction (as you stated), but at least she will have been given the right information to make her decision.

You also have to take into consideration the safety of your sisters. If this guy is this much of a jerk as to hit on his girlfriend’s young daughters, you don’t know what else he is capable of. They need to be protected. Just as you told him to stay away from you, he should be told to stay away from your sisters as well. If your mother won’t do it, I suggest you be the one to tell him.

I don’t think your husband needs to get involved, though I can understand his desire to. Since he’s left you alone after you told him to shape up, I’m going to assume that he will stop being inappropriate to your sisters if he is told not to.

Long answer short, your mother needs to know what is going on. If she chooses to turn a blind eye to the situation, then that says she cares more about her own ego than the welfare of her own children. If that is the case, there’s not much you can do to change her mind. So I say, give her the opportunity to do the right thing and if she doesn’t, the rest of you will have to do the “right thing” on your own – and that’s to make sure he doesn’t try to impose his lecherous ways on you any longer.

Best of luck.

Lisa

Family problems? Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Her Sister's Boyfriend Sucks

2010-03-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My sister is just 19 and still living at home. For the past year or so she's had a boyfriend who makes my skin crawl and my parents feel the same way. He treats her like a piece of dirt ("Get me a beer", "God you look so fat in that dress", "Can't you do your hair to look like hers?", "I'll take you to a nice place once you lose about 10 pounds".) Okay, now you see what I mean.

The jerk is 29 and lives on a trust fund that was set up by his wealthy grandparents when he was born. If he's telling the truth and doesn't run through the money first, he'll never have to work for a living. The most expensive gift he's bought for her was a $29 handbag. He says he doesn't believe in wasting money on flowers or going to expensive places unless it's to show off a gorgeous "babe" which he doesn't consider my sister to be.

She's only 19 and didn't even start dating till she was 17 because during her high school years she was shy and never fixed her hair or wore makeup or cute clothes. She's a really pretty girl. She blossomed after she graduated but for some reason this clod has his hooks firmly attached and she won't even consider dumping him.

They spend their time together at his apartment where she cooks, cleans, does his laundry while he watches TV and text-messages "friends". She drives herself to his place.

It's killing me to see this and my parents are just worried sick but she won't listen to our comments. Should I/we butt out no matter how painful or is there some strong wording to use in trying to talk to her?

Sincerely,
A Sister

Dear Sister,

The first thing you need to come to terms with, is that you can’t single-handedly change this situation. Your sister will do whatever she wants for as long as she wants. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give your honest opinion of this guy. You must tell her the straight facts without preaching. Your sister most likely has a self-esteem problem, and feels that this is the best she deserves. Perhaps because this guy is older and wealthy makes your sister feel like she has a real catch.

If you witness this guy saying rude things to your sister in your presence, please be sure to let him know that you will not tolerate those words being spoken to your sister (the same goes for your parents). This won’t stop him from treating her badly, but it may give him pause – to know that at least your sister’s family has got her back.

Since it’s technically self-esteem issues that are at the root of your sister’s problem, try to focus on improving that. It’s very difficult, but try to sway her attention from him to more constructive activities. Invite her to social events where you know he won’t want to go. Invite her to spend time with you and your friends. When the day comes when she finally sees the light, she’ll know that she has a place to go.

Best of luck.

Lisa

Email me any questions about your family and friends to: lisa@relationshipper.com

Happy Spring!

2010-03-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Spring! Spring has officially begun, and I for one, am pretty excited! More unseasonably mild weather has fallen upon my state of Connecticut, and most of us are relishing every moment of it.

Spring lends itself to "Spring Cleaning", where we clean out our homes of unused items, dirt and anything that keeps our houses from being spic and span. We open the windows to let in fresh air, renewing our bodies with clean, nutritious air!

Think you could do the same thing with some of your relationships? Is it time to rid yourself of the toxic people you know, while breathing new life into the relationships that have served you well? Think about what you could do to brighten the day of your loved ones. Bring someone a Spring bouquet or take someone on a picnic. Use this beautiful weather to enhance the way you interact with the people who make your life full.

Enjoy it! When you get back inside, email me your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com.

New Baby - From the Past

2010-03-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My husband had a serious relationship while in college but after 3 years together, they went their separate ways. We met a few years later and now have been married for a while. We're happy and have talked about starting a family later this year.

Recently we were zapped like a bolt out of the blue when his ex-girlfriend came to visit after saying she had an urgent matter to discuss and it should involve me too. She says when they broke up, she was pregnant and didn't want to tell him cause she didn't want to keep him that way. She went to live with her parents and had the baby - a girl - who is now a healthy 8-year-old. The girl now wants to meet her father and get to know him. There will be a DNA test to confirm paternity.

My husband wants to see her and is considering paying child support, both back and present, and wants to have some visitation too. He said this puts our family planning on a back burner for now and seems to have decided all of this pretty much on his own without input from me.

I'm confused and annoyed with him for making such major decisions without any discussion and am wondering if I'm being unreasonable as he says?

Zapped,
Wisconsin

Dear Zapped,

I can understand that you’re in a tizzy about this situation – anyone would be. However, you should have a little patience for your husband – he’s got even more to deal with than you do. I think the real error on your husband’s part is not what he’s doing, but how he’s doing it. He should be focusing on his “new” daughter. He probably wants to sort out that whole situation before he puts his heart into another child.

Try to put yourself in his shoes – he is probably totally overwhelmed by a) the fact that he suddenly has a new daughter and b) that he’s missed the first 8 years of her life. I’m sure that if you give him some time he’ll get back to making a family with you. He just needs some time to adjust. It’s true that he shouldn’t say that you’re being unreasonable – it would be better if confided his feelings with you in a way that would help you to understand where he’s coming from. But you can’t change who he is, you can only change your role in this situation. Feel free to let him know that you need him to have some patience with you as well, since this affects you as well. Tell him that you support his decisions, but you’d rather he relay them to you as is you’re involved in the process.

It is unfair that you have to wait on having children – but in a “life’s unfair” kind of way. Your husband isn’t trying to deliberately hurt you. He’s trying to do the right thing. Have some patience – maybe even welcome this little girl into your life. This is not to say that your needs shouldn’t be dealt with – but you’ll need to put them off until this situation cools down for a while.

Best of luck.

Lisa

Email me your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com!

The Four C's of Relationships

2010-03-17T01:34:00.000-07:00

Hello readers,

I'm going to stray from the advice business today, to give you a brief excerpt from my upcoming book, "Instant Love Advice"

This excerpt details the four "c's" required for making our relationships work. If this concept sounds good to you, keep an eye out for my book, which is due to be released this Spring!

THE FOUR C’S

There are four key “C’s” when dealing with relationship problems. Clear headedness, creativity, compassion and communication.

They say hindsight has 20/20 vision. That is because once you’re further removed from the situation, you don’t have pesky emotions getting in the way of your decision-making processes. Emotions are a wonderful thing, but if allowed to intensify too deeply, they can wreak havoc on logic. Clear headed thinking is critical to problem resolution. If you feel intense tightness in your chest, or a frantic need to punish your partner through words or actions, take a break and allow yourself to cool down first.

You must have the creativity to view and solve problems from a unique perspective. Our upbringings, natural tendencies and environments tend to push us to solve problems using rote methods. Uninspired thought brings about uninspired action. A little creativity might bring you out of your rut.

Compassion is life’s greatest healer. Compassion is what religions are based on. With enough compassion, all of life’s problems can fade away. Do you have enough compassion for your partner? Do you have enough compassion for yourself? Genuine love and forgiveness can help ease the pain of any conflict. If you take the time to really get to the bottom of a particular issue, you’ll find that compassion is lacking for either the other person or yourself.

Communication, of course, is one of the most important tools in any relationship. From saying hello to someone to tackling tough issues like infidelity, hone your communication skills by not only considering what you’re saying, but: how you’re saying it, why you’re saying it, who you’re saying it to, and even when you’re saying it. You may think that by nailing how you’re saying it, you’ve done a great job – but you may very well be missing one of the other aspects of effective communication.

Keep those questions coming! Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Is She Robbing the Cradle, or Finding True Love?

2010-03-16T02:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

No sane adult woman would date a much younger guy. Those guys have some kind of mother complex that just means trouble and doom. They're just after your money. I would never do it.

Yep, up until a few months ago I said and believed those things. Now I'm on a different ship and don't know what to do. I was at a business conference and of course met dozens of people. It seemed that every time I turned around, there was one fellow who was really smart and funny and talking to him made the conference much more fun. He managed to sit next to me during every meeting and when breaks/lunch rolled around, he was quick to offer to get me coffee or a soft drink or food. He was never pushy or obnoxious and didn't mention getting together in the evening, which I appreciated.

At the end of the three-day meeting, he asked if he could call me and if I would meet him for lunch so I said yes because I really liked him. He called the next day and we arranged to meet for lunch that same day. We had so much to talk about - it seemed like a 90-minute lunch flew by so we agreed to meet that evening for dinner. We spent 3 hours at a restaurant and then I tore myself away and went home, alone.

Over the next few days/weeks we saw each other frequently and I found myself getting in deeper and deeper. I could tell he was younger but I figured he was around 32-33 and I'm 40 so I figured a few years was no big deal. People always say I look 34-35. The actual subject of age did not come up at first. One night over dinner we were just talking and he mentioned the year he graduated from college. I nearly fainted when I realized he was closer to 26-27. I asked him pointblank and he said he was 27. I asked how old he thought I was and he said about 35. I told him I'm 40 and he shrugged.

It wouldn't be such an issue if this were just a casual fling but we've really developed feelings for each other and that brings so much more into play such as his family and mine. His mother is only 47! Both our families live in other states so we haven't met each other yet but his mother is asking us to visit her at Easter. My folks want me to bring him home to visit them for Memorial Day. I've tried to break it off twice but he maneuvers his way back, once by using the argument that Mary Tyler Moore and Demi Moore both are older than their husbands and look at their marriages.

Am I being silly to think this could work? Am I being silly to break it off? I've lost my ability to rationalize and could use some help.

Cradle-robbing in Chicago

Dear Cradle-robbing,

Deep breaths for you! They say that “age is just a number”, but that’s easy to say, tough to incorporate into your life. However, it’s true. If your boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with your age, why should you have a problem with his – if the two of you get along great?

There is one, and only one thing holding back your ability to make this relationship work, and it’s your attitude toward his age. There is absolutely no reason the two of you can’t have an awesome relationship. He’s already 27, which means he’s already well into adulthood, and you’re only 40!

You know what I’m going to say, so I’ll just say it now: if your genders were reversed, there wouldn’t be a problem. So why should it be a problem for you? I constantly hear that there are an increasing number of couples wherein the woman is older than the man. You’re not alone. Many use the Demi Moore example – and do you think she goes around fretting about whether Ashton Kutcher is too young for her? I doubt it!

Love and compatibility don’t come easily. If you’ve fallen in love with a man 13 years your junior, then so be it. Yes, your families might be taken aback by your age difference…at first. But after time passes, they will forget about it. Do you ever notice that when you have a friend who is considerably older or younger than you are, after you’ve been friends for a few years, the age difference just melts away? The same thing will happen here. Your loved ones will get over it (if they even have a problem with it at all). You can use your close age to his mother to your advantage – you’ll may even have a lot in common, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing!

Again, the only thing stopping you is your own reservations. If you cease to be insecure about the age difference between the two of you, I guarantee that any problems you encounter will have nothing to do with that difference.

I say GO FOR IT!

Love is sometimes inconvenient. But who would turn it away?

What’s your story? Email me at lisa@relationshipper.com

Unwanted In-Law Visits are Affecting Her Work

2010-03-15T02:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

Working at home is something I appreciate and I do my best not to abuse my employer's trust in me. He pays me for the hours I submit on my time report and I have never reported working any time that I didn't. I've set up a schedule for myself and have informed friends/family of the hours I consider to be work time. You'd think that would work, wouldn't you?

My mother-in-law constantly drops in without warning and is offended if I don't drop everything to talk with her. She expects me to put on the coffee and eat doughnuts with her. Her reason for doing this? She says that everyone else has a "real" job and I'm the only one who's home. What she's doing is disrupting my day so I spend night hours working and my husband gets irritated that I'm not paying attention to him. He knows what she does but says I should just tell her to "get lost" and feels if I don't have the guts to tell her, I'm out of luck. He refuses to get involved.

Is there a good way to deal with this without causing bad feelings and upheaval in the family?

Sincerely,
Daughter-in-Awe

Dear Daughter,

Sounds like you’re not getting a lot of respect from your husband or his mother. In a way, your husband’s lack of consideration for your situation is the real problem. You should really express to him that you need his support. Tell him that when he refuses to get involved, he is essentially saying that he doesn’t respect your job or your relationship. It’s funny how he doesn’t want you to work nights, yet he will do nothing to solve the problem.

If you still get nowhere with your husband, consider finding an office outside the home if your job is conducive to a move. By “office”, I mean a local coffee shop or even town park. When the inevitable question comes from your MIL about where you were, tell her you “couldn’t concentrate – there’ve been so many distractions lately, the phone ringing, things like that – and I couldn’t get my job done.” All without mentioning her specifically, of course. Remind her how important your job is to you, and the work you do is important to your boss and his clients. If you can ward off the drop-ins for a while, you may be able to return to a full time home office.

If you’re home the next time she drops by, let her know that you can’t have coffee now because you’re swamped with work, but you’d love for her to come over Sunday morning (when your husband will be around). Tell her you’re going to make her favorite cake and you’re excited to see her then. If this causes a huge family upheaval, it okay – you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s important to create harmonious relations between yourself and your in-laws, but you really must stand up for yourself (with kindness, of course) when you are being disrespected and oppressed.

I hope this helps.

What’s on your mind today? Let me know at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Why Being Nice is a Curse for Guys

2010-03-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My husband's best friend, "Joe", is a really nice guy. He's in his 30's, has a good career, doesn't do drugs, has never been married, isn't gay, is thoughtful and kind. So why can't he find a girlfriend? I've just about run out of single friends to set him up with and I hate seeing him so depressed. My friends who have gone out with him say he's really nice but just "too bland" and they want to be just friends. No spark, no chemistry. I've tried to get specifics from them but they all say the same thing - just too nice and dull. He's not an ugly troll, either - he strongly resembles the actor Gregory Harrison.

We always invite him to any gatherings and he's able to carry on conversations with anyone. Our kids love him. Our dogs love him. Our families love him. My friends and other women want platonic relationships with him.

Is this type of guy unusual or more commonly found than I realize? What can we do to help him out? He wants very much to settle down with a wife and start a family and can't figure out what he's doing wrong.

I don't understand it either. So many women are dying to find a decent guy to start a life with but he's a prime candidate who keeps getting passed over. He's in a business where he meets a lot of people and seems to have no trouble establishing good contacts.

Do you have a magical formula that we haven't thought of?

Perplexed,
North Carolina

Dear Perplexed,

Ah, the “Nice Guys Finish Last” conundrum. This is one phenomenon that I take very much to heart, because I absolutely adore nice guys, and I have to admit it gets my dander up when I see good guys get passed over because they aren’t “bad boys” or exciting enough for our single lady friends.

I think the whole debacle comes down to two issues: #1. Women love to try to change men. It’s often an obsession for many women. Women love bad boys because they feel they firstly, will feel like a million bucks if they’re able to capture this wild, heartless beast, and secondly, they will be able to mold him into exactly what they want after that. It’s like thrill seeking for romantics.

#2. Women like independent, confident men because it reminds them of a strong caveman who shows his inherent ability to be a strong, capable hunter. If a man is too sensitive, kind and caring, women instinctively feel that he won’t have the chops to go out and kill a buffalo.

Luckily, these days men don’t need to kill buffalo to keep their family alive. But, a little work on Joe’s confidence level might help him. Of course, I don’t suggest he change who he is, at all – I’m sure there is a perfect woman out there for him. But if he wants to get a little more attention from ladies, becoming a little more expressive and friendly while appearing slightly unapproachable, won’t hurt.

Without meeting Joe it’s tough to know out exactly what he’s doing to put women off, but he might try being a little more forward. Have him approach women with confidence. At the same time, suggest he be a little more aloof, rather than the genuine guy he is. And by aloof, I mean he should be more guarded – perhaps he is too kind, too fast. Again, I think being a nice guy is never a bad thing – but it’s not terrible if he develops his macho side. Women like a little mystery. If at first he hides his inner beauty, he’s not being untrue to himself, he is simply doing a mating dance to impress the ladies.

I do hope Joe finds true love soon! I'm sure he will.

Don't forget to send your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com

What to do When Friends Wear Out Their Welcome

2010-03-13T02:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

Is there a law saying that we have to accept rude treatment from friends just because they've been in our lives for 10 years? My "best friend" is really testing me and I've just about reached the point of cutting off any contact with her. We met when we worked in the same office and we hit it off because we were both in our 20's, single, fairly equal in education and income. We had similar likes in music, movies, food and even our opinions on serious topics didn't differ much.

Life is very different now. I'm planning to be married the end of this year and I have a career in my chosen field. She has had probably 50 jobs over the past decade, is a serial dater, lives from paycheck to paycheck, and quite seriously - she's become a leech. My fiancé is an understanding guy and has not asked me to cut ties with her, but has mentioned that he doesn't see what keeps her in my good graces. She borrows clothes and doesn't return them till I demand it because she ignores hints and reminders. She borrows money and has never paid me back. I'm embarrassed to say how much she owes me. I have consciously decided that I will not introduce her to anyone, male or female, because of her past behavior with people. There is so much more that she's done but in the interest of keeping this to a reasonable length, I'll let you use your imagination.

This all started about 3-4 years ago and has gotten worse. I think one reason I allow it is because I keep thinking how easily fate could have flipped the situation and made me the one with that lifestyle, and I'm so grateful for what I have. But whatever, I know I'm being weak. I know I should lower the boom. I know I owe it to my fiancé and myself to change things. I just don't know exactly how.

Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Pulling my hair out!

Dear Pulling,

I think we’ve all dealt with this situation at one point or another in our lives. We can have a friend for 1, 2, 5, 10 or even 20 years, and then they suddenly begin to drive us nuts!

They say, “change is good”, but sometimes change doesn’t enhance our existing relationships. It’s sad but true, that many of our friendships will become too strained to continue. I think we often look toward friendships to be our “easy” relationships.

Let me explain. Our relationships with our family members are often tense – we didn’t choose those relationships, and the people in our families aren’t there because we have things in common – and we don’t necessarily naturally get along with them. They were assigned to us somehow, before we were even born. We do get to choose our romantic relationships – which is great! But, we generally put a huge deal of pressure on these relationships. Our mates have to be perfect because so much is riding on things working out – because of our innate, instinctual need to find an ideal parent for our child.

But our friends…oh, our friends! These are the people we choose because they’re funny, fun, and love to listen to us complain – and vice versa. A lot of times we expect the main role of our friends to be for fun only. And, it often is. But, of course, nothing in life is pure fun. Differences arise, resentments surface, and before you know it, the two of you are at each others throats.

I recommend patching up friendships whenever possible. However, sometimes they reach the point of no return. Your situation sounds as if it has, or is on its way. I think one should always be sensitive and empathetic to the needs of their friends – which I see you are, to some extent. But, you must also be sensitive and empathetic to yourself as well. This friend has become more of a burden than a blessing. She is clearly ignoring your pleas for her to be a respectful, caring person in your life.

So how should you change things? It will take a long of willpower, and even more compassion. When she asks for money, decline. When she asks to borrow things, decline. When she asks to hang out, sometimes you’re going to need to decline. She isn’t going to like it – but people who are of the “leech” type, for lack of a better word – have an uncanny knack of getting back on their feet to find someone else to use in no time at all.

This is not to say you need to cut her out of your life entirely – you just need to cut her down. By that, of course, I mean cut down her ability to keep taking from you, without giving back. If we allow people to continue taking, taking, and taking from us, we naturally become resentful. You have to regain the balance, or else you will become flooded with negative emotions – which won’t do either of you any good.

Do what you would suggest your own sister do in the same situation. Sometimes we allow other people to abuse us in ways that we would criticize others for tolerating. Try and look at her behavior objectively, and change your reactions accordingly.

Best of luck!

More questions? Email them to: lisa@relationshipper.com

More Relationship Boredom!

2010-03-12T02:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have been in a relationship with the same guy for three years, the longest relationship I've had. Just recently, every day things from conversation to dining together, (and yes, the sex as well- but I'm not focusing on that right now :)), are starting to feel mundane- kind of blasé and ho-hum. How do I spice things up outside the bedroom?

Sincerely,
Bored

Dear Bored,

When I was a kid, I always used to whine, “I’m bored!” My mother would invariably respond, “You’re bo-ring.” While this drove me crazy, perhaps you can see her point. Sometimes when we are uninspired, we tend to blame it on our surroundings. The reason we get bored is because of an internal lack of passion or motivation. There’s no reason for the two of you to have run out of conversation topics or things to do. If you are inspired, you can bring the spice back all by yourself.

Perhaps you should take some time to focus on your own interests in hobbies. Take a class or develop a new hobby. Read a fascinating book or go to a museum. Try to find out why you are feeling bored. What is it that you’re looking for? Adventure? Intrigue? Something that captivates your imagination?

If dinner is boring, you can try cooking a new recipe. If you’re sick of being at home, go to a restaurant two hours away. If that still doesn’t do it for you, maybe you could invite some old or new friends out to dinner with you. There are a ton of options, just start brainstorming!

If you are lit up with the thrill of a new hobby, idea or other activity, you can share it with your husband. Men love when women are inspired, even if it isn’t in their realm of interests. What men don’t love is when women are bored with them. Embark on a journey and then invite him along – don’t expect the opposite.

Good luck rekindling your spark!

Lisa

Got questions? I’ve got answers. Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com

A Letter From the Happy Homebody

2010-03-11T02:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I need an opinion from someone totally removed from the situation thereby making that opinion objective. My friends and family are driving me crazy with their ideas that I don't ask for.

I'm 34 and have been dating "Sam" for almost a year. He's 38. We're both employed, have been previously married/divorced, no kids, reasonably intelligent, fairly low-maintenance. We both earn good salaries and have made good choices in investments, etc. so future financial security is not an issue.

The so-called problem? We see each other about 5 nights a week and usually we stay in, either at my place or his. We cook together or order in and spend the evening watching a movie or playing card/board games at which we're both good and love to win! This is mostly my choice which no one can understand. Occasionally we go out to dinner and a movie or socialize with friends but usually it's just us at home. Sam is more than willing to go out more but he goes along with my preference. My friends and family think he's a cheapskate or is hiding from someone or something and that's why we stay home so much. I don't feel I have to explain everything to them but their beliefs are starting to affect the way they treat Sam and that's why I have to solve this somehow.

I've had plenty of years of going out and I really just don't like it. Why is it such a big deal that I like staying home? I feel like I finally have a life that is pretty great - a good job, a nice home, a wonderful man who loves me and treats me well with respect and generosity. I don't have any burning need to get married or have kids. About the only change I might make is moving in together which he wants to do but I'm being very cautious about making that commitment. I got burned badly in my marriage and I guess I always hold back that 1% instead of making a full commitment.

What do you think I should say to those who are concerned? Nothing or a half-explanation or a full explanation?

Homebody,
Scranton, PA

Dear Homebody,

I love this question! I am a bit of a homebody myself, and I can completely relate to having to explain to others why you don’t really want to go out. But on the other hand, I can understand their wanting to see you! Don’t forget, that’s really a compliment!

However, if you don’t want to go out, there is no explanation you need to give anyone. When people feel it’s best to behave in a certain way, they have a tendency to force that way on others. If they make a comment about your desire to stay home, you can just tell them that you find all the joy in the world just being at home with Sam. (Honestly, to me, your arrangement sounds like Heaven on Earth – but again, I’m a bit biased.)

All that aside, it seems as though your question is really found at the end of your letter. I’m concerned that you’re still holding back, even if it’s just a little. It sounds like you have a wonderful man who has forsaken the rest of the world in order to spend time with you. You should try to let go of that previous marriage. Sam is a different man; don’t punish him for what someone else did. I’m not saying you need to jump into a full commitment with him, but please consider that it looks like Sam wants your undivided attention. That little part of your heart that got burned: re-grow it. Those tears you shed over that other guy? Collect them in a pail and wash the place clean.

Instead of wasting time worrying about what other people think of you spending a lot of time at home, use that energy to improve your relationship with Sam. If you can tell that he might be in the mood to go to the movies instead of renting one to watch in your living room, humor him and venture out. Make Sam your #1 priority, not the opinions of your friends and family.

Best,
Lisa

Do you like to go out and your mate likes to stay in? Tell me about it: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Guest Post: Ruthi-Star Sela on Fear in Relationships

2010-03-10T07:08:00.000-08:00

Today we're going to hear from Personal, Relationship and Life Coach Ruthi-Star Sela, of www.starlightcoaching.net. She gives us an interesting take on how we view relationships as either "failed" or "successful".

Why are we afraid of relationships?

by Ruthi-Star Sela

So many of us are afraid of relationships whether with our current partner or with potential future partner. Why is this such a common phenomena?

There are many reasons why, and just to mention a few:

·    Personal painful past experience
·    Stigma
·    the influence of other people’s stories,
·    Laziness (yes! Yes! Believe it!!)
·    Emotional intelligence
·    Fear

Today I would like to touch on one of the reasons that cause us to be so afraid of relationship, and it’s called FEAR. Fear is a psychologically motivating force in relationships and the cause of constant conflict in personal relationships.

According to some psychologists such as J.B. Watson and P. Ekman, fear is one of the set of basic or instinctive emotions like joy, anger and sadness. All of those emotions play a major part in personal relationships.

Fear is very subjective and is perceived from the viewpoint of the evaluator.

Although fear has many faces, if we break it down a little bit further we find a major reason called “fear of failure”.

Did you notice that many people refer to relationships that ended as “failed relationship”, or difficult and energy-consuming relationships as: “a failing relationship”?

Why do we use this term, and why is it so significant in our present and future relationships?

A person who is only interested in the outcome of an activity would consider it to be an outcome failure if the core issue has not been resolved or a core need is not met– so if for example you had a great relationship with your boyfriend or your girlfriend - but for some reason it did not end up in marriage or any other form of commitment that you would have liked – you would see it as a failure.

But if you think about it honestly and emotionlessly - you will realize that you did not fail in the relationship, or the relationship did not fail – only the outcome was different than you expected.

A failure can also be a process failure whereby although the relationship had turned out to be successful, a person may still feel dissatisfied if the underlying process is perceived to be below standard or level. So what do you do if you categorize yourself in the latter?

First you need to recognize the symptoms: dissatisfaction, nervousness, looking for petty arguments, restlessness, sadness and even arrogance. If you feel all of the above or some of it - you may have a problem, and you better start asking yourself many questions (alone or with a help of a coach or a consultant). Probe harder and deeper until you find the honest inner answers that will help you clarify your feelings.

If this is what you have felt during past relationship, but you never actually got to the root of the feeling, you are bound to think of that relationship as “failed ones”. And you are bound to be influenced by that in your current or future relationship.

From what I see in my practice, the fear to fail prevents so many people from pursuing relationships and sadly they find themselves either alone, or with the wrong partners.

So do you want a simple tip from me how to overcome this “fear of failure” that stops you from embracing relationship?

Take a blank page and draw a vertical line in the middle. On the left hand side write: successful. On the right hand side write: failed.

Think of all the relationships that you had during your life and place them under either the left or right hand side of the page according to your views whether they “failed” or “succeeded”.

Then take another page and reverse it: the ones that you listed before under failed – write them under “succeeded”, and the ones that you wrote under succeeded, place under “failed”.

Read this second page carefully and think about it from the reversed point of view. Try to implement what you read in this article about the fear of failure and see if it influences your decision how to define those relationships.

After a while take a red pen and cross off all the relationships you marked under “failed” in both pages. Try to think of it as a clean start. A new blank page.

Go on to pursue your next relationship without the fear, and with a big smile on your face. : )

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How do you rate your previous relationships? Do you consider past relationships to be great teachers, or do you merely find them to be an example of a failure?

Don't forget to email me at lisa@relationshipper.com with any of your relationship questions!

Guest Post: Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.on Fighting Fair

2010-03-09T02:49:00.000-08:00

Today we're going to hear from Phyliss Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D., about fighting fair. You can never have enough tips on this topic, am I right?

So before you put on your boxing gloves, take a moment to read this very helpful article, and visit their website and blog located at http://www.hermentorcenter.com and http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, respectively.

5 Tips on How Couples can Fight Fair

By Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph. D.

All couples get angry and argue - so know that you're not alone. But remember when resolving conflict to keep your words sweet - you may have to eat them.

In the middle of an argument you can minimize emotional overload by only focusing on the issue at hand. And try not to get defensive or blame your partner. Relationship research indicates that one of the most effective ways to control the outcome of a disagreement is to assume some personal responsibility and, in the end, be willing to compromise. Fights don't have as much fallout if you and your partner have accumulated a shared positive reserve in your emotional bank account - that is, the more positive interactions and feelings, the less damage.

It seemed to Sybil that her parents were always mad at each other. She wanted them to get a divorce but they stayed together and just kept on fighting. She vowed that, if she ever married, it would be different. "I couldn’t wait to move out. Over the years I broke off several relationships that could have worked, but I was too afraid of ending up like my parents. When I was 42, after years of therapy, I finally felt secure enough to take the plunge. Every day, for the past seven years, I make a conscious effort to focus on the positives in my marriage. And if a fight is inevitable, I try to fight fair."

Feeling flooded or overcome by emotion can lead to the 'fight or flight' response. In a relationship, this process is activated by high tensions and poor communication. It becomes difficult for both of you to listen, think clearly and resolve disagreements. If you stay and 'fight' you release pent up feelings but will likely make comments you'll later regret. This kind of release or catharsis can have detrimental and long ranging effects. Even though using 'flight' as a defense is self-protective and may be less emotionally damaging, in the end it resolves nothing.

If you develop techniques to soothe yourself and help your partner calm down, that can minimize the buildup of negative feelings and resentments. You know yourself best, so incorporate the following strategies that work for you and your relationship:

1. Agree to stop arguing and postpone a difficult conversation until you're both not feeling so upset. Or make a mutual decision to step away and put some distance between you and the situation. Take a short break and wait until you both are settled enough to listen to each other.

2. While you're unwinding, try on thoughts that are more constructive - for example, his anger isn’t all about me; we really do love each other; she's under a lot of pressure at work; this too shall pass; I'm upset now but I know we’re right for each other.

3. Get into a comfortable position, close your eyes and breathe in deeply through your nose. Hold your breath for five seconds and release it through your mouth. Repeat this several times, and brush away any negative feelings. Notice how focusing only on your breathing can make you feel more relaxed.

4. Throw yourself into an activity that gives you immediate release and stay there for a while - call a friend and share how you're feeling, take a run in the park or listen to music that stirs your soul.

5. Distraction can be powerful, no matter which form best suits your relationship. Try humor, be playful or turn the controversy into a debate. Through these kinds of adaptive defenses, you and your partner will be able to enjoy deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Familiarize yourself with these strategies so they're accessible when you need them most. Having tools at your disposal and practicing them can make a difference in the outcome of your disagreements. As Russian writer Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility."

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who publish a free monthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. Whether you're coping with acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, for practical tips about parents growing older and children growing up.

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So, how do you effectively deal with conflict? Do you have any other techniques that you and your partner use? Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Check Out My Guest Post About Business Morals

2010-03-09T01:57:00.000-08:00

I've got a guest post over at the "Management Scholars Academy" website. I decided to write a little about how, in the business world, ego and greed can get in the way of good morals. I think it's important to question one's motivation over one's actions, because the reason we do things is often more important that what we're actually doing.

Anyway, check it out if you're interested.

Management Scholars Academy Post

Guest Post - Sally Shields on Mother-in-Law Troubles

2010-03-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

Today, we have the honor of hosting the ridiculously impressive Sally Shields, author of "The Daugther-in-Law Rules: 101 Surefire Ways to Make Friends with Your Mother-in-Law!" She's got some great advice for us about finding a balance between what we think is best for our child, and what our mother-in-law thinks is best. Everyone knows this situation can be like a powder keg ready to explode! Read, and enjoy! If you need more Sally, visit her blog at: http://www.thedilrules.blogspot.com and website: http://www.thedilrules.com. But promise you'll come back to visit me sometime?

Motherhood and Your Mother-in-Law!

by Sally Shields

Often after a baby arrives, there can be tensions between the new mother and her more experienced mother in law, who would love to impart her loving wisdom. However, if stubbornness gets in the way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make things go more smoothly. Here are a few questions and answers that might prove helpful to ease the dissension between the new mother and her baby's new grandma!

Q: My baby is only a week old but my MIL already wants her to have a sibling to play with! Is she nuts?

A: If your twinkle toes has yet to shed her umbilical cord, your mother-in-law may nonetheless put in an application for a new addition by way of a statement such as, "I can't wait until she has a little brother or sister to play with!" Say how eager you are to have another. Smile coyly and mention that you're already working on it. She will be hard-pressed not to picture you and her son having relations (don't think of a pink elephant, okay?) and she will most likely not ask you again... at least for the next couple of months, that is!

Q: My MIL complains that she doesn't get as much time with my kids as my own mother. Well, that might be true, but what can I do? She lives 7 hours away!

A: As soon as your kid is able to carry on a "conversation," dial up your MIL and let the two yak away. Do this every few days. When it's time to hang up, if you are busy, quickly say how much the little one misses her and that you can't wait to see her as well. She'll be very happy to stay connected with your little ones, even if it's through the phone.

Q: I spend hours taking home videos and even learned to send digital pictures to my MIL over the Internet. But she complained that she's the only person in Ohio that doesn't get professional shots to hand out to her friends at Bingo. I just can't win!

A: Spring for professional shots of your child. Make lots of copies (especially ones with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or a Hanukkah Dreidel, and send your MIL several wallet sizes to use like trading cards with her Bingo buds. Mom truly enjoys seeing your bloom in bunny ears with a blue background, holding a giant carrot. And so will you! You may even get bamboozled into buying every image in the book, complete with Sepia hues, flower borders and glam shots with soft-focus feature. So be extra-prepared to whip out your credit card and make sure your package includes the CD-ROM so that you can replicate all of the above on your printer at home as well!

Q: I have fun doing art projects with my kids, and thought my MIL would appreciate the fact that I saved them for her. But she just threw them away. What's up with THAT?!

A: Pick out some recent drawings or finger paintings, and dispatch them to your MIL. However, do not present her with anything that includes traces of your creative input or she may refuse it immediately. For example, if your child's compositions end up resembling things such as puppies or frogs, you may feel compelled to color them in, embellish, and label them as such. Instead, provide Mom with the scribbles alone. These are the ones that will invariably end up framed at her house. "Ahhh, now that's TALENT!" she'll proclaim proudly.

Q: When I'm visiting my MIL, all she wants to do is feed my child JUNK. I can't stand it. But if I say anything, we end up in a big fight, or giving each other the silent treatment. HELP!

A: If you notice your MIL bestowing Wonder Bread with butter on your little bottomless pit a few times a day, just remember that your husband eventually grew up and seems to be in relatively good health. Although you may feel frustrated and be compelled to suggest, "I would prefer if you didn't feed her that stuff at every meal, okay?" better to let your MIL indulge your child's requests for the nutritionally devoid foodstuffs. Otherwise, your kid will soon come crying, "Grammy said that you said that I can't have white bread with butter ANYMORE!" forcing you to relent sheepishly, "Well, she can have it at least once a day, I guess the stuff won't kill her!" Don't make a federal issue out of it, as your pipsqueak will eventually be back to eating apples and whole wheat bagels upon Mom's departure!

In Conclusion: The bottom line is to really and truly learn to appreciate your MIL. After all, she did give birth to your husband, and you are forever thankful to her for that! We can all grow much closer to our MIL's through our children!

I leave you with this wish: that you may develop a respectful and loving relationship with your MIL and learn to appreciate her for who she is, where she came from and what she is to become. Take heed to one of the great spiritual laws of success: The quickest way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. Be a loving, kind, generous, open-hearted, sensitive person, and the world will reflect that back to you-even in the form of your mother-in-law – and she may just surprise you and turn out to be an ally and a friend. Mine certainly did!

Sally Shields

Speaker, Radio Personality and

International Media Specialist

#1 Amazon.com Bestseller of

The DAUGHTER-IN-LAW Rules

http://www.theDILRules.com

AS SEEN ON FOX & FRIENDS

AS SEEN IN STAR MAGAZINE

AS RECOMMENDED BY DR. LAURA

AS HEARD ON MARTHA STEWART RADIO

co-host, "Blurb!" blogtalkradio.com

This book helps raise money for

The BCRF®. Think Pink!

* * * * *

Great advice, huh? Do you have any techniques of your own? Or is it a difficult father-in-law who's the problem? Tell me all about it: lisa@relationshipper.com

Guest Post - Jennifer Chambers on Mental Illness

2010-03-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

Today we have the lovely Jennifer Chambers, author of the novel "Learning Life Again" guest posting for us. She's here to tell us about her experiences with her brother who suffers from a mental illness, and also touches on her own struggles with a brain injury from a childhood accident. I think after we read this we should take a moment to appreciate the loved ones in our lives.

Also, don't forget to stop by Jennifer's blog at: http://jenniferchambers.wordpress.com/, where she talks about writing, brain injuries, and other things. Interesting stuff!

Enjoy this poignant piece on this (hopefully) lazy Sunday. Here's hoping you're spending it with family!

Conflicted Questions

We didn’t find out my brother had a mental illness until he was in his late teens. I’m not really sure, exactly, what age he was; I was recovering from a brain injury myself, and virtually out of it during the same time period. My brother had had some behavioral issues which we now know are symptomatic of mental illness, specifically of bipolar disease. It was a traumatic time for my whole family. The car crash I was in, that erased all my memory and ability, was eerily repeated when three of our friends died in a car crash a week to the day after I was injured. The second car accident was in front of my house.

My brother was, very understandably, messed up from the whole thing. Looking back ten years later, I wish it had been more of a red flag for mental illness. I thought he was doing hard drugs. We grew up in a small town, and it was not unknown for our peers to pass the long nights and weekends on the farms in a haze of substance use. Those people weren’t our friends, particularly, but the erratic mood swings and times of silence had no other explanation, or so I thought.

I think a kind of silver bond between siblings ripped in two when I turned him in to my parents. I was eighteen, newly recovered from my brain injury, but still learning social rules. He had become more and more withdrawn and would disappear for periods of time. I was so afraid for him. In the self-centered way of all teenagers, I was terrified that it was my fault for having my own accident and making people take care of me and not him. Even though I was worrying about the nature of the problem, he clearly needed help, I tell myself now. I wish it had been different.

After I turned him in, my brother went to an outdoor program for troubled kids. We didn’t really speak so much after that, until he went to boarding school in Idaho to complete high school. I visited him there and he seemed to forgive me. He came back home, then left on a several month walkabout where he hitchhiked across the southwestern US. I kept in touch with him through a mutual friend, afraid that any phone call would be the one that told me he was dead on the side of a road somewhere.

At some point he came back. About two years ago, he got back in contact with my family. Our stipulation is that he remains medicated. I am still angry about the missed Christmases, mostly for my mother, who I think dies a little when we talk about his absence. I love him, or who I think he is, though I don’t know him. He has an apartment in the nearest town and exists hand-to-mouth, I think. I am afraid to ask. He’s alive, and healthy, I think. He’s medicated, and peripherally a part of my life.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have healthy relationship with him. What would that look like? I wish I knew him—but at the same point, I’m afraid to. And that brings all the stereotypes about mental illness to the forefront. We’ve all got our problems, right? Who am I to judge someone who is simply trying to get by? Why can’t he have a real relationship with me and my family? I try every day to forgive him a little more and judge him a little less. It’s hard for me to call him. Maybe one day soon I can.

Jennifer Chambers is the author of Learning Life Again, a novel about two women with brain injury, and an editor for literary magazine Groundwaters (www.groundwaterspublishing.com). She blogs about brain injury, writing, and her new projects at www.jenniferchambers.wordpress.com. To contact, or for appearance schedule, go to www.jenniferbchambers.com.

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Do any of you have loved ones who suffer from a mental illness? Have you dealt with childhood guilt? Email your stories to me at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Guest Post - Gary Morgenstein on Dating

2010-03-06T02:32:00.000-08:00

Today, get ready for a humorous treat. Our new friend Gary Morgenstein (of www.garymorgenstein.com), has given us a list of do's and dont's for finding new love in places such as a bookstore or doctor's waiting room. Sometimes we get a little too serious when it comes to matters of the heart, but Gary says, "If you can't smile when you're dating, you are toast when it comes to building a relationship." Check out his website at www.garymorgenstein.com to buy "How to Find a Woman...Or Not" or one of his other great books!

DICKENS, KING, PICOULT AND TRUE LOVE

By Gary Morgenstein

How to Find a Woman…Or Not

In my book How to Find a Woman…Or Not, I attack loneliness by suggesting that all the world is a potential singles bar to meet your soul mate. It could be the gym, airport terminal, laundromats – or bookstores and doctor’s offices. Bookstores are one of my favorites for meeting smart and attractive women in a non-threatening environment.

However, like anything, there are do’s and don’t’s!

DON’T DO THIS IN A BOOKSTORE

1. Know your crowd. Slapping your thigh and shouting, Has Bill O’Reilly nailed these rotten socialists won’t go over well with someone wearing a Nancy Pelosi “She’s My Man” button

2. Squatting on the floor amid a pile of reading material suggests you have absolutely nowhere better to go, like to a job

3. Don’t discard a cook book with a sneer, That is not how you prepare goose

4. Avoid discount racks, shows you’re cheap -- if you’re skimping on a book, why would she think you’ll take her somewhere nice when you go out?

HOWEVER, I RECOMMEND:

1. THE PROP!! Carry a couple intelligent novels around the store as if deciding which to purchase

2. We all have different interpretations of intelligent, somewhere between James Patterson and Theodore Dreiser. My personal favorite would be anything by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

3. If asked whether you’d read the book, I’m really looking forward to this, I haven’t read him in many years

4. If you’re in a decidedly liberal urban area, shake Sarah Palin’s book Who’d like to join me in a good book burning party?

TOP AREAS TO BROWSE

1. Travel books. Shows you like to take vacations. Thumb through a book of exotic locations, exclaiming Next summer, here I come

2. Cook books, duh, for those chilly nights when you concoct something together

3. Obscurity always works, like Peruvian Desserts in 20 Minutes

4. Grilling/barbecue books hint you might own a weekend getaway

5. Popular fiction. Women buy the preponderance of fiction

6. But are you buying a book for your girl friend?

7. No, you’re there to buy one for a woman colleague – can you recommend something?

8. Bicycling books are always a winner because biking connotes stopping overnight at an in of her choice

Don’t discount the possibility of finding love while treating your sinus infection, long as you follow some rules:

ADVANTAGES TO WAITING ROOM FLIRTATIONS

1. You demonstrate a sensitive side that isn’t only concerned with looks

2. You can imagine what she’ll look like when the swelling goes down and the stitches heal

3. You’re so confident of your own prognosis that you can concentrate on hers, which bespeaks a future where her interests predominate

4. She is in a vulnerable emotional place, making her susceptible to your charms

5. Plus an office is a contained area and she’ll probably not leave before her wound is cleaned just to avoid you

SOME DON’TS

1. On general principles, avoid a woman with any signs of pus

2. Don’t poke her awake if she’s passed out because the pain killers have worn off

3. Hitting on a girl who’s temporarily blind is a bit low, unless she is especially foxy

4. Never ask what’s wrong -- ‘cause she might ask you and what if your ailments gross her out

5. Don’t make her talk after she’s had root canal

6. If she is talking, don’t say how cute, you sound just like Daffy Duck

SOME DOS

1. Criticizing insurance companies provides an acceptable common enemy and, if she is an apologist for an insurance company, do you really want anything to do with her?

2. Praise the doctor as someone you have long had great faith in, this way you can claim credit if she likes him

3. If she ultimately sues the doctor for malpractice, she will probably be too deformed for you to have any interest anyway

In addition to How to Find a Woman…Or Not, Gary Morgenstein’s books include the novels Loving Rabbi Thalia Kleinman, about a divorced man who falls in love with a beautiful woman rabbi; Jesse’s Girl, a powerful story about a father’s search for his adopted teenage son, and Take Me Out to the Ballgame, a political baseball thriller, as well as the baseball Rocky The Man Who Wanted to Play Center Field for the New York Yankees. His prophetic play Ponzi Man played to sell-out crowds at the New York Fringe Festival. He lives in Brooklyn, New York, surrounded by lots of books and rock and roll CDs. Visit him at garymorgenstein.com

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So what do you think? Will you fight your fear of the dentist in order to get an opportunity for a date? Email me your guest post ideas (or the usual relationship advice question) to lisa@relationshipper.com.

Guest Post - Kiki Howell on Erotica

2010-03-05T02:55:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a great response from fellow writers who have offered up blog posts on entirely different types relationship issues.

We're going to start the parade off with a bang (pun intended), with Guest Poster Kiki Howell, who is a terrific magical erotic romance novelist. After you read this article, be sure to visit her author website at www.kikihowell.com and partake in the free reads you'll find there! Her site will help you apply the techniques she's about to share with you. Then, when you're not feeling quite as amorous, head over to her book review site, www.authorsbyauthors.blogspot.com, where you'll find book reviews from some of your favorite authors.

Ways in Which Erotica Can Improve Your Sex Life

First, lets talk about emotional stimulation. It is said that while most men are visually stimulated, most women are emotionally stimulated. So, you read the story, get caught up in the plot, get emotionally attached to the characters and then, you slide into the sex scene! By the time you get to the sex in a well-written erotic novel your emotions are already primed, therefore you get the tightening in your stomach and, well you know! If you are one of those people short on time, many erotic websites sell shorts erotic ebooks as well as novels. You have to love the technology, when you can on the spur-of-the-moment just click and download exactly what you want to read.

Second, reading erotic fiction can be like getting a mini sex manual for free. I have to admit to learning quite a few things from erotic stories myself. A reader never knows what she will encounter within a well-crafted sex scene. Maybe it is only a new move, maybe it is challenging new position, maybe the sex occurs at a location you never thought of, or just maybe you get new directions for using your old toy.

Then, of course maybe you learn about a whole new experience. Erotic authors are creative people. You just never know where their imaginations will take them, and therefore what you may learn from it.

While we are on the learning thing, let's talk about learning to loosen up in order to venture into new territory. When you are browsing through the titles and blurbs is there a type of sexual experience that seems to catch your wondering mind more than the others? So, buy that story! Research, I like to call it, when I buy another book. If the thought of some sexual encounters brings out the nagging, 'it's wrong,' little guy in white on one shoulder, go with the guy on the other shoulder (the one in the red) that is saying 'yeah, I want to know how they do that'. Reading it does not mean you have to do it, but for some the more they read about it the more common and comfortable it will become.

Last, but not least, partners can role-play out a scene from the story or, get a novel and role-play a chapter each night! Take the time to read the story out loud with your partner. Then, just do what the characters did, feeling free to embellish away. You can really get creative with this. Plus, role-playing is another great way to venture into that new venture. While you may be uptight about being spanked, the character you are playing may not be.

So, relax, read, get creative and have some fun!

Kiki Howell, Author of Magical Erotic Romances
www.kikihowell.com

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So, what did you think of this idea? Would you be willing to give it a try, or are you more on the shy side? Leave me a comment and tell me why.

Don't hesitate to email me at lisa@relationshipper.com if you'd like to be a guest poster!

Be My Guest (Poster)!

2010-03-04T02:51:00.000-08:00

Hey readers! Do you have relationship advice that you'd like to share? Have you had an experience that you've learned from, and you'd like to help others by telling your story?

Well, the good news is: I'm looking for guest posters!

If you have a relationship-related topic that you'd like to talk about, send your idea to: lisa@relationshipper.com. Posts can be anywhere from 300-1,000 words.

If your guest post is accepted, I'll give you a byline and a maximum of three links to your site.

Thanks for reading!

Lisa

Kill Jealousy at the Source

2010-03-03T03:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

I am having trouble trusting my husband. I am an extremely jealous woman and I get furious at even the idea of him looking at another woman. We fight about it almost daily and it is really putting a strain on our marriage. How do I get over the fact that my husband will find other women attractive?

Jealous,
Reno, Nevada

Dear Jealous,

It’s understandable that you might feel jealous at some point in your relationship. In fact, jealousy can be a good thing – it can be utilized to make us remember how much we love our partner. Without jealousy, we wouldn’t be as inclined to want commitment and closeness and we do when there is the possibility of a threat from other women/men.

However, unreasonable jealousy is always a result of poor self-esteem. That may sound a bit harsh – or maybe not even sound accurate, but I assure you, it is true. However, that should be good news – your jealousy is not warranted!

To me, jealousy is a bit like any phobia – if one has a fear of spiders, they feel as though the spider is going to harm them in some way, but logically one knows that it won’t. Phobias are generally characterized as a debilitating fear of something that we logically know isn’t harmful. If you knew that your husband wouldn’t ever stray, and you have been guaranteed of it – would your fear subside? Or would you still feel insecure?

The best antidote for jealousy is to bolster one’s self esteem. How you do that is up to you. I find it best to figure out what traits we feel insecure about, and then change them. If you feel overweight, start a weight loss plan. If you feel undereducated, take some classes. Analyze the women you feel threatened by, and figure out what it is about them that threatens you. Then become that – not in a way where you stop being true to yourself, but in a way that embellishes that part of you. Generally if we are jealous of someone, it is because there is a little part of us that is dying to be seen, but we feel we are not “good enough” or that it is just not “us”. There are always ways to implement these characteristics, even if it is not in the way others implement them. For instance: if you are jealous of a woman who is a great singer, you shouldn’t necessary sign up for karaoke, but consider singing in the shower when your boyfriend is in the next room. Let that part of you out, even if it’s in a small way.

As for the jealousy, treat it in the same way they treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When you feel the obsessive need to be jealous, just stop. Don’t give it another thought. Say to yourself, “Nope, we don’t have those thoughts any more. I’m choosing to think about something else.”

It may take a while but I assure you, if you keep working on your own self-esteem and stop giving your jealousy your time and energy, you will begin to feel better.

Best of luck.

Lisa

Jealous? Need more tips? Just ask: lisa@relationshipper.com

More Secret Love

2010-03-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My daughter is 25, bright, smart, pretty, has a college degree, has her own condo, a nice car. She's an elementary-school teacher in a mid-size town and seems to be respected and liked by students as well as their parents.

For the past year she has been "dating" a successful local businessman who has been married for at least 15 years with 4 kids. He seems to really have feelings for my daughter and treats her well but I think the whole thing is insane and can only end badly. His wife is constantly pictured in the local society page and he's never in the pictures with her although he's mentioned as being her husband. My daughter said his wife doesn't care what he does as long as he doesn't publicly embarrass her, provides her and the kids with the lifestyle they're used to, and stays with the family until the youngest is 18 which is still several years away.

My daughter told me about this because she felt guilty deceiving me about his status. Her father is unaware of the circumstances and just thinks she's a pretty girl who dates but hasn't met the right guy yet. Telling him is NOT an option.

Do you see any possibility of a good ending for this?

Upset Mother

Dear Upset Mother,

Watching our loved ones, children especially, willingly step into a great big mess is a hard thing to handle. We feel that by will alone we can fix everything for them. Women are notorious for attempting to mend every little problem for each member of her family. But there’s one thing preventing you from helping your daughter in this situation: she hasn’t asked you for help.

Sure, there’s probably some elaborate scheme you could cook up, ala a Lifetime Movie, but when it comes down to it, if you meddle in this relationship, it will probably do more harm than good. That doesn’t mean you have to give your approval, certainly – you should be candid with your daughter about how you feel. However, if you order your daughter to leave him or admonish her for her actions, she may begin to resent you.

Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to get a bit deaf and blind when it comes to love. There’s nothing you can say or do that will cause your daughter to leave this married man. Often, when people have married or unavailable mates, it’s because they don’t feel worthy of a “real” relationship. Perhaps this is the case with your daughter. Try to focus on the reason she is with him, rather than just the fact that she is with him. If you can figure out the reason she is with a married man, you may be able to counsel her into realizing why she is doing this – all in a non-judgmental way, of course. If you are able to enlighten her that the reason she is doing this is because of an insecurity in herself, the better chances are that she will leave him when and if she begins to contemplate that.

Other than that, I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait this one out. Just remember: this situation isn’t about you, it’s about your daughter. And unfortunately, this is her mistake to make.

Lisa

Email me any relationship questions you have to: lisa@relationshipper.com

"Where Did All of Those Birthday Candles Come From?"

2010-03-01T02:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

I have been dating a wonderful man for several months and I can really say he is what I've been waiting for all my adult life. Our families accept us as a couple so we're included in all gatherings. His kids from his previous marriage are well-mannered and treat me nicely too. He owns his own business, has a nice home, doesn't smoke, and is very attractive. I know you're thinking I'm crazy to be asking for any kind of advice when I'm in this ideal situation.

The problem is that he believes I'm 39 and I'm really 29. The issue is that he's 48 and is steadfastly against dating much-younger women. I've felt just terrible every time he or someone else remarks on how young I look for my age and I've been tempted to tell him the truth but I'm afraid he'll leave me. His kids are almost my age.

I've always preferred older guys and have never dated anyone my own age. Even in high school I was dating older boys. I guess different people have different theories but all I know is that I believe he is right for me and the age difference doesn't matter. I don't want to have kids. I have a lucrative career and own a nice house so I'm not after his money. I think he is on the verge of realizing he's in love with me too and I just don't know what to do.

Is there a way out of this insanity?

29 Going on 39

Dear 29,

I completely agree that the adage “age doesn’t matter” is fully applicable to your love for your boyfriend. You do have a significant age difference, but there’s no reason that it can’t work out. However, there is another saying that goes, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive.”

Relationships flourish in honest environments. Any lie, big or small, can breed emotions such as: worry, fear, dread, betrayal, suspicion – and a general feeling of being unloved. Those kinds of emotions don’t enhance our relationships. The security of your relationship must be restored with truth. You may be worried about how he will feel when he finds out, but you have to understand that your feelings of worry will also adversely affect your relationship. Your own tension will put a strain on how you relate to him.

You need to tell him the truth – as soon as possible. He will find out eventually, so why bother making him wait any longer? The sooner you confess, the better he will react.

My advice would be to sit him down the very next time the two of you are alone. Admit your age, and apologize with deep sincerity. Channel the months of dishonesty into some heartfelt disclosures that come from deep down. Tell him why you lied. Is it because you thought he would never love you because you are so much younger? Or is it something even more profound, like a deep-seated issue from childhood that causes you to be attracted to older men?

If you make yourself very vulnerable to him and he realizes exactly where you’re coming from, he will forgive you. It’s amazing what we will forgive when we are in love with someone – even reverse a staunch preference for mates of a certain age, or previous transgressions.

I hope that everything works out great for you and your boyfriend.

Are there any ladies out there who are significantly older than their boyfriends? Email me at lisa@relationshipper.com!

Lisa

How to Compromise On Family Functions

2010-02-28T03:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I recently began dating a man who appears to be perfect for me. We get along very well, he's employed, does not abuse drugs or alcohol, treats me with much respect and consideration. We both were previously married and divorced with no kids. My parents both died when I was in my 20's and I have no siblings. His parents are both living and he has several siblings living near the family home. My problem? His mother is already planning on us spending all holidays at her house this upcoming year. She typed up a list and gave all of us a copy. She includes all birthdays, Easter, Mothers Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July..........you get the idea. While I don't dislike his family, I'm not accustomed to this much group togetherness for every little occasion and I don't know how to approach the subject with him. He hasn't said much and doesn't seem to mind the idea but I haven't brought it up as a heavy discussion topic. I'm perfectly willing to spend a couple of hours at her house for a real occasion but am feeling suffocated by the master plan of spending 4-6 hours there every time the list says it's necessary. Is this a common problem and what's a tactful, non-hurtful way to handle it?

Suffocated

Dear Suffocated,

Well, at the very least, you can be happy that his parents like you enough to want to spend every holiday with you! I’m going to say that this degree of scheduled “togetherness” is not a common problem, but having family scheduling disagreements definitely is.

Firstly, you really should bring the topic up with him. Tell him that you’d like to spend a holiday or two at a non-family function. What did you do before he came along? Did you spend holidays with friends? Did you go somewhere? I would tell him whatever it is that you would like to do. If your friends have a 4th of July picnic, simply state, “I know your mother reserved us for the 4th, but I think my friends have a picnic that day, and I’d like us to go to that. Speaking of the list, there are probably a couple of other holidays that I might have some other plans for. Do you think your mother would mind if we can’t make a few of these?”

If your boyfriend has his wits about him, he’ll say no. You could also ask your boyfriend if he’d like to go away for Memorial Day weekend, since you have the day off. He’d be a fool to turn that down, right?

Canceling your attendance at a family gathering will now be in his court, so you shouldn’t have to deal with that at all. If his mother gives you a guilt trip as a result of your cancellation, simply give her an explanation of your other plans. Don’t show weakness, for guilt breeds on weakness. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Your boyfriend’s mother might just feel bad for you that you don’t have any family of your own. She may be doing this all for what she thinks is your benefit. If you show that you have other plans, she may realize that you aren’t a pity case that needs familial nurturing. If handled with sensitivity and respect, things should definitely get less suffocating with time.

Best of luck.

Lisa

What’s next? Easter’s coming up. Whose family do you visit? Your own? Your partner’s? Or do you not celebrate the holiday at all? Email me about it at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Peacocks are Pretty, But...

2010-02-27T02:28:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I just wanted to talk a little today about ego. For the past few days, I've been paying attention to the way my friends and family relate to each other. I find it really fascinating the frequency in which ego appears in our daily conversations.

The next time you have a chat with someone, take notice of the regularity that you see "one-upping" or showing off take place. Conversely, you may also see self-pity, or feeling sorry for oneself - which is basically the same as showing off. Both are designed to get attention and bolster one's ego in order for the world to agree we are "good enough".

How much aggravation and stress would be eliminated if we understood that we are already "good enough" as it is, and that the only real improvement is to learn to love more?

I find it arriving frequently in my own life. My local grocery store has a "self-checkout" option, where you can ring up and bag your own groceries. I love the self-checkout line, and use it whenever I can. However, I always feel rushed, because invariably I will encounter an impatient shopper behind me who starts ringing his/her order before I'm even done bagging. Whenever this happens, I get irate. Why do I get so upset? What is the logic behind this?

There really is no logic, but there is an understandable feeling of irritation that gets blown out of proportion. I feel as though the person behind me is disrespectful, and beyond the immediate rudeness, deep down I feel that this somehow substantiates a deep-rooted unconscious belief that others don't respect me.

So, in response to this feeling, I have the tremendous desire to have a rather brusque talk with this person. I have the need to re-establish my ego, by matching their alleged disrespect with a display of power. What would this accomplish? Would my insecurity about disrespect lessen? Of course not.

All this over a bag of groceries. Today, take note of your own power grabs in conversations with friends and foes. Do you notice yourself showing off, looking for attention, or irate with a fellow shopper? Try letting go of your ego and let others take the spotlight, smile at your offenders, and above all - enjoy your day.

What are some recent occasions in which you encountered ego's sharp claws? Did you cut yourself or someone else with them?

Permission to Breed - If You Can Agree

2010-02-26T03:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

If you and your partner tend to have a different point of view when talking about raising children, does that mean you are not well suited to be parents together? For example, I would lay down a firm line with my children regarding drinking, smoking, and sex being absolutely unacceptable while they're minors under my roof (as was done for me), while my boyfriend feels that it's naive to believe that they won't do these things (sneaking around behind our backs, etc) and thinks it's more important to maintain open lines of communication to make sure they are being safe. I don't like assuming that my kids will be irresponsible and operating from a "damage control" point of view and sometimes wonder if it would be best to not have children together. What are your thoughts?

Erica

Dear Erica,

When a couple has differing opinions on childrearing, it can be either a blessing or a curse – the result is entirely up to you. Let me explain.

If a child is raised by two parents with very different viewpoints, this can actually be an asset to the child. The world is full of varying perspectives, and the child who becomes the most likely to succeed is the one who is able to accept all points of view. He or she can learn to compromise by following your example.

If you and your partner continually battle to get your own way (or no way at all), your child will learn that you should always fight, not negotiate, in life.

If you can learn to cooperate, you can take the best of both of your worlds. Meet in the middle. Instead of telling your children they are not strictly forbidden to drink, smoke or have sex while under your roof as minors, advise them about the dangers of doing these things. Phrase it as such that they will be punished if you find out they have been partaking in these activities, instead of saying that these activities are strictly banned. Make sense?

Of course it’s not just you who will have to compromise. He will have to become a little more rigid in his thinking. There must be a reason you are with him to begin with. I do believe that couples should share similar morals and beliefs about life, for that makes it a lot easier to get through the inevitable troubles that will pop up. If he shares the same basic beliefs about life as you, you two will be fine – just as long as you both compromise. And of course if you do decide to have children together, work out your game plan on how to raise your children before you get pregnant.

Hope that helps. Come on back tomorrow for more questions. In the meantime, email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com. And leave a comment – do you agree with my opinion?

Lisa

Sometimes, You Just Need to Get the Crime Scene Tape Ready.

2010-02-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

Do we speak up or keep quiet while hoping people come to their senses? My husband and I have been happily married for 18 months. We both have large families so there are usually at least two gatherings every month just to share a meal, laugh, and talk. Everyone gets along well and in a way that's the problem.

I have discovered that my mother is seeing my father-in-law. They both have spouses who are alive and well! To all appearances, both marriages are happy and intact so I don't know what this is all about. I confronted my mother about it and she says she doesn't know what to do and she never dreamed this could happen to her. I might add that she's extremely attractive and young-looking but so is my dad and he isn't cheating on her. My father-in-law is a decent man and when my husband spoke to him, he said all this was like a bolt out of the blue and that he had never cheated on his wife before.

We appear to be the only two who know and it's a potential problem for us too. You know, it's easy for either of us to say/think the other's parent is to blame for starting it all, etc. It's only a matter of time before they get caught because we all live in a town that isn't huge and people know them.

Do we close our eyes to it? Demand they stop? Demand they confess?

Sincerely,

Shannon

Dear Shannon,

Sounds like you have a potential family feud brewing. It’s no easy task to see our loved ones embroiled in bad situations. But you have to remember: it’s their life, and their decisions to make. It’s tempting to threaten to disown them or phone the producers of “Intervention”. But this is their screw-up to make. You can’t single-handedly reverse the cogs of love.

But what you can do, is to distance yourself from it. You can tell your respective parents that you want nothing to do with their secret relationship. You don’t want to hear about it, and you certainly don’t want to see it. I wouldn’t say that you should close your eyes to it, but you shouldn’t give it any attention. I realize this is difficult, but your options are slim.

Maybe the relationship will peter out. Maybe they’ll get divorced and run away together. Chances are that something will have to give at some point – but for the two to endure a family dinner every two weeks will be torture.

You have to remember that this is not about you. If your whole town finds out, that reflects poorly on your parents – not you. Their relationship is not within your control. I’m afraid you’re going to just have to bear it – though I won’t make you grin when you bear it.

To me, the real question is whether or not to tell your father. I think he has a right to know, but it’s not really your place to tell him. This will really depend on your relationship. It is probably best to just stay out of his marriage altogether.

This won’t be easy, but it will resolve itself in time. Here’s hoping it gets settled sooner rather than later.

Keep sending me questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com.

My Alibi? You.

2010-02-24T04:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa:

I'm so angry at my best friend that I'm just lost in a sea of decisions to consider. We grew up together in a smallish town and have been best friends since about age 9 or 10. We are now 32, both married, no kids for either. She works outside the home and I work from my home.

Her husband is a terrific guy who adores her and I just found out by accident that she's been cheating on him while using me as her cover! I had no idea - none - that anything was going on. I happened to run into her husband at the post office and of course we stopped to chat for a moment. He happened to mention something about a cake decorating class and asked how I liked it cause LyingLola (his wife) seemed to really like it a lot and had already said she was going to sign up for the advanced class. I was stunned but managed a non-commital answer and got away from him.

Of course I immediately called her and demanded an explanation. Turns out she's been seeing someone for a few months and to get out of the house easily, she's been saying that she's been with me. Either we've been at this class or the gym or various women's activities. None of it is true. She said she didn't tell me about it because she knew I wouldn't like it and she knew I would object to being involved. I asked if she's in love with this other guy and she said no, he's just a fling. She got married at 19 and has always wondered what she missed!

I told my husband about this and he said it's up to me to decide what I do. He offered no opinion or judgment which I suppose is commendable but sure isn't helping matters. I know I have to do something because I just can't allow her to keep using me as her cover but I really don't know how to go about solving this.

Can you give me some possible fixes for a difficult predicament?

Sincerely,
Shocked Shirley

Dear Shirley,

I hate to be a Negative Nancy, but my advice is going to be a little tough. Your friend is clearly in a foolish frame of mind – of which she is completely entitled – but to involve you in her schemes is not something a good friend should do.

We often feel conflicted when face a challenge in a long-term friendship. It seems irresponsible to risk losing a friendship that has been in our lives since we were kids, but the way Lola is treating you is far from fair. Having a relationship with someone who is making very poor life decisions can make your own life stressful. It’s tough to have tea or go out for a drink with someone who is making a mess of their lives. It’s important for us to look out for our friends, but when their excess drama spills out into our own lives, we need to take a step back.

I would first have a talk with your friend. Tell her that she’s no longer to use you as an alibi for her affair. She will either agree, or not. If she agrees, then that’s good. At that point it’s up to you whether you want to continue being friends with her. Now that you know about her fling, you will probably start hearing more details. If you can handle that, then by all means continue the friendship.

If she doesn’t agree to leaving you out of the alibi business, then I would request a break from your friendship. This woman has her priorities set on one thing: her own selfishness. She clearly has no regard for either her husband or her best friend. What kind of friendship do you really have? If she responds poorly to your requests and reasonable sensibility, then perhaps you suggest that the two of you discontinue your friendship for a month or two. Ask her for some time for each of you to sort through your feelings. If you’re meant to get back together, you will. A little time away from each other won’t necessarily mean the end of your friendship.

Hopefully this will just be a phase and she will snap out of it in a few months. During this tumultuous time in her life you are welcome to listen to her speak of her marriage problems. She can tell you about how free and beautiful she feels with her new lover. You’ll be tempted to tell her that she should break off her affair – which will fall on deaf ears.

Friendships such as this one are somewhat doomed – if only temporarily. We’ve all been in “crazy brain” mode where, for whatever reason, we start making awful life decisions. Good friends let us know that we’re being irrational, and even better friends actually listen when they’re the ones being told they’re irrational. I know you’ll do your part…but will she?

Good luck and stay strong.

Lisa

Friendships go through rotten phases sometimes. Is yours? Tell me about it at: lisa@relationshipper.com

What To Do When Hostess is the Grossest.

2010-02-23T04:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

Never did I think I would tell anyone about this, let alone ask for their opinion but it's time. My husband's sister is 36 and married with two school-age kids. She doesn't work outside the home and her husband is a lower-level bank executive. We socialize with them occasionally by having them over for dinner and a good movie on cable or DVD. They reciprocate and in no way do they mooch or scrimp when it's their turn.

What's wrong? She's a terrible housekeeper. The house always has a layer of dog/cat hair on every surface, dishes are frequently taken out of the dishwasher before they're washed, given a quick rinse and pronounced ready for use, silverware almost always has dried gunk, bread and rolls often have touches of green mold, milk smells sour, she is a lousy cook and seems to have no idea about basic kitchen hygiene or health reasons for it. I don't think she's ever cleaned the stovetop. Her husband and kids seem to have established a type of immunity cause while they have occasional bouts of "stomach distress", they don't get sick.

My husband wants to just tell her outright to clean up her act but I'm against that. It would hurt her terribly and cause bad feelings. Would it be too cowardly if we only invite them to our house and keep quiet? We're not cleanliness fanatics but it's a bit much. He says she was always a slob when they were growing up and his mother just cleaned up all messes. Then when she got married, they lived with his parents for a while and his mom played janitor. After they moved into their own house, they had a housekeeper and had her until 2008 when finances got tight.

I've never run into this type of situation and am totally stymied. She's a really sweet person and I wouldn't want to hurt her feeling for anything. Can you give me any help with this?

Sincerely,
Stymied

Dear Stymied,

I agree: this is quite a sticky situation (pun intended). When considering what to do about this situation, you have to keep this one thing in mind: it’s her house, and she has a right to do whatever she wants in it.

Keeping her house a mess is not illegal, immoral or…well, maybe only a little dangerous. However, she does have a right to live this way. Your husband may want to give her orders to clean up, but most people don’t take too kindly to commands – nor is it an effective tactic.

The best solutions will come from an attitude of understanding. Just because she is messy, she is not bad – or even wrong. If you want to gently coax her into changing her ways, do so in a compassionate manner. Your husband has blood ties to this woman, so his way of communicating with her will be different. You, however, would benefit from some more moderate techniques.

For their anniversary or birthdays, get them a gift certificate to a cleaning service. State that the gift is in lieu of losing their housekeeper, and now they can treat themselves. Alternatively, offer to wash dishes after dinner, and don’t take “no” for an answer. Kind gestures will be more likely to win them over than ultimatums.

However, this is not to say that you should tolerate truly sub-par cooking preparations. If she offers you bread with mold, by all means let her know that your bread is moldy. Do it in a swift, brief manner. If there is cat hair in your coffee, mention it. Utter a curt announcement like, “Uh-oh, cat hair!”

Women are generally acutely aware of the judgments of others. If you let her know in a non-threatening way that sour milk is not your favorite beverage, she may begin to take note.

In the meantime, you might consider inviting them over to your place for 2 out of every 3 get-togethers. No need to shun their house entirely, but if you don’t care for the conditions at their home, you might as well spend more time at your own.

Good luck, and remember: cleanliness may be next to godliness, but compassion is the language of virtue.

Lisa

Let’s hear about more family issues: lisa@relationshipper.com

Her Daughter Moved Out of the House, But Not Out of Her Wallet

2010-02-22T02:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My adult daughter recently moved out of our house. She lives just a few miles away from us in an apartment with friends. She and I have always been very close, but lately, the only time I hear from her is when she wants money. It hurts me that I only seem to be a bank to her, but at the same time, I don't want to see her go without. What should I do?

Cash-strapped,
Fresno, California

Dear Cash-strapped,

I understand your difficulty with your situation. It’s unfortunate that your daughter is taking you for granted, and sees you more as an ATM than the wonderful woman who brought her into this world.

I’d venture to guess that her behavior is just the result of her leaving the nest. When a baby bird makes its maiden voyage from the security of its home in the trees, it doesn’t turn around to thank its mother – but instead enjoys the exhilarating ride.

Your daughter probably doesn’t intentionally mean to use you for money. She is probably more focused on her newfound freedom. She may have wished she went out on her own a long time ago, and is making up for lost time.

This, of course, doesn’t mean that you should give her cash every time she asks for it. I agree that it’s tough to let your child “go without”, as you say – but what exactly does she need money for? To pay her rent, or to buy a new TV? Some of us didn’t have parents to hand over cash, and most of us have found some way to make it in this world. If she ever starts a family of her own, she’s going to have to learn to take care of herself. This is why you shouldn’t give her everything she wants, or else she may never become a fully independent human being.

I think it’s great that you care so much about your daughter – but instead of giving her handouts, you might consider small loans. And don’t forget to invite her over for dinner every once in a while, maybe on a Sunday or Tuesday night when there’s not much going on. When she comes over, you may want to mention that you heard the local bank is offering a great rate on loans if she ever needs to get one. The rest of the night, serve up her favorite pasta dish and just enjoy her company.

She will return to the nest in earnest eventually, but right now she needs to fly around a bit. With patience and some restraint she will learn to fend for herself, and you will learn how to let go and let your daughter begin her new life.

Here’s wishing you the best!

Lisa

Email me any of your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com

Green-eyed Monster has a Point

2010-02-21T04:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He recently started talking to one of his ex-girlfriends again when she called him and asked if he wanted to get together for coffee. He said he'd love to get together, but he let her know that he's in a relationship with me, and that they can only be friends. She agreed. He let me know, and at first I didn't have a problem with it so I said they could get together. They've since been spending a lot of time together and I'm starting to get jealous. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Green-eyed in Wisconsin

Dear Green-eyed,

I’m going to go ahead and say it looks as though you’ve done everything right – including showing concern for your boyfriend spending more time with his ex. While I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong for doing that, I think it’s healthy that you have a certain degree of discomfort with this activity.

Your boyfriend probably has absolutely no intention of getting back together with this girl, so he probably didn’t think twice when they initially got together – or any time after that. Sometimes when we have no ill intentions it doesn’t occur to us to see what effect our actions might have on someone else.

This is where you come in. You need to tell him that you think it’s a little inappropriate for him to be spending a lot of time with any girl, let alone an ex-girlfriend. You can do this by being flat-out honest with him – if that’s your style – or you can be more subtle, by asking to tag along on some of their outings. If there’s nothing going on between the two of them, there should be no problem if you come along. If his ex-girlfriend is trying to get him back, your presence will really throw her off.

Since he made it clear to her right off the bat that he’s in a relationship and he doesn’t have any interest in her other than being friends, he’ll probably be receptive to your request that he spend much less time with this girl.

I don’t believe that exes strictly can’t, or shouldn’t, ever be friends. However, when you’re in a new relationship you need to weigh the necessity of these friendships in relation to the undue stress it causes your significant other. A two-year relationship is not worth jeopardizing for an old girlfriend. It’s not about suffocating the other person out of a social life, it’s about respect and compromise.

Thanks for your question!

Got other exes lurking in your life? Tell me about them at: lisa@relationshipper.com

Leave the Past in the Past?

2010-02-20T04:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

I am engaged and the wedding is tentatively set for October. My fiancé and I get along very well with similar values, likes/dislikes and we dated for almost two years before making it official. We are both 27.

What's bothering me a great deal is that I've not told him about one period of my life and I don't know if it's true that all things don't have to be revealed or if I should tell him. I don't think it would make a difference but then I can't be sure. When I was 16, I became pregnant by my boyfriend and our families didn't condemn us but made the decision to give the baby up for adoption. The baby was a healthy boy and I was told a bit of the adoptive parents' background, etc. so I know he was placed with a good family. I remind myself that it was best for him but I'll never forget him. I've had no contact with him or the adoptive parents and I don't want to have any.

My family doesn't speak of that time and they very much approve of my fiancé. My mother and sisters strongly recommend that I not tell him because it was a long time ago and I was a kid. They say it really has no bearing on my present or future life.

What is your opinion? I could use some objective input.

Meghan

Dear Meghan,

First off, congratulations on your engagement! Secondly, kudos to you for bringing the baby to term and having the strength to give the little guy a new beginning with a different family. It takes a lot of courage to go through that experience.

I honestly don’t feel that there is a right or wrong in this situation. It’s entirely up to you whether or not you tell your fiancé what happened. My gut says that it’s probably best to tell him because it was such a huge event that occurred in your life, and I think he has a right to know about it. This experience has changed and shaped who you are today. True, you may have been just a kid, but there are many things that happen to us as children that have a very strong bearing on who we are.

I’m going to go out on a limb here for a second, and make an assumption about your family. The way you speak of them makes me wonder if they generally prefer to keep “improper” behavior and occurrences quiet. Are they making the decision for you, or do you truly agree with them?

If you find that putting the past aside is what you think is right, then so be it. You do whatever makes you able to heal from the experience. But if you’re keeping it to yourself because you’re ashamed, then I do hope you change your mind. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are going to marry this man, and he is going to eventually know you inside and out. I’d recommend telling him, because love is all about sharing yourself with someone else and receiving love and respect in return.

I understand what a delicate situation this is, and I don’t want to steer you wrong. I want you to love yourself, including your past decisions. If your fiancé loves you, which I’m sure he does, he will understand. He may have even more respect for you after hearing what you’ve been through.

Best wishes for your future nuptials!

Lisa

Anyone else out there getting married? Tell me all about it: lisa@relationshipper.com

1 + 1 = 1 Poor Decision

2010-02-19T01:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I'm in love with my math teacher. We fell in love when I was at her home to take some lessons. My parents, my friends, the other teachers don't know about our relation. I think we are screwed if anyone would find out about that. What should I do? To give up or to continue?

Sincerely,
Hot For Teacher

Dear Hot,

My answer will depend upon the ages of those involved. If you’re under age 18 (which I’m going to assume you are), you need to wait until you are of age before you go any further with this relationship. While I’m not one to thwart a love affair because of age differences, but depending on your state, your relationship is probably illegal. I am compelled to insist that you to refrain from any romantic relationship with this woman, now or in the future.

Look at it from this point of view: why is your teacher interested in a student? I can understand that sometimes love shows up at inconvenient times, but of the entire male population, why did she choose one of her pupils? This is not to mention the conflict of interest here, as she is your teacher.

I would seriously reconsider what you think may be love. If I were you, I would immediately discontinue all lessons at her home and move out of her class completely, if possible. The moral thing to do would be to report this woman to the administration at your school to make sure she doesn’t prey on any other students. I realize that might be a difficult task, and you may prefer to keep things quiet. The level of urgency in terms of notifying the school board will depend upon your ages, because if you are under 16, then this woman needs to choose a new profession that does not involve children.

I apologize for the harsh advice, but this one’s for your own good in the long run. You may also want to examine the reasons you’d prefer to be romantically involved with an adult rather than a girl your own age. Feel free to email me again with a new question in this area, and I’d be happy to help you find the root cause of this issue. : )

Best of luck!

Lisa

Are you in the middle of an unusual relationship? Email me your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com

New Email Address!

2010-02-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

Now you can email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Sounds much better, don't it?!

Keep those questions coming!

He Loves Me, He Loves She Not...

2010-02-18T04:52:00.000-08:00

Lisa,

I have a rather unique problem that probably won't have an easy, happy solution but any insight would be appreciated.

A good (female) friend corresponds regularly by email with a man she met on a dating site. This has been going on for about 8-10 months. He has visited her a few times and she brought him over to meet me. He seemed okay and she really likes him a lot. She frequently says she believes this relationship is going to become a permanent one, etc.

Several weeks ago her computer went on the fritz and she doesn't have the money right now to get it fixed (waiting for her tax refund) so she asked if she could use mine to keep in touch with him. I saw no problem with that so I said ok. She stops by each evening to read his daily email and to reply. She doesn't hang around or make a nuisance of herself.

The disturbing issue? He has been sending emails to me saying he's really attracted to me and asking if there's any chance for something to develop between us. I've not responded to any of his messages - I delete them so she won't accidentally see them. I don't know if I should save the emails for her to read or just tell her what's going on or what. I have not responded because I don't want to give him any ammunition and I know how emails can be tampered with so he has nothing from me. She had given him my email address a while back and told him if her email wasn't working, he could contact her through me. That was the only reason he has my address.

She's a good friend who I like and respect very much. I value her friendship and I worry how this knowledge would affect her. Any words of wisdom about how to handle this?

Stuck in the Middle,
Kansas City, MO

Dear Stuck,

The solution to this problem is quite like the band-aid analogy. You basically only have one option: you need to just grit your teeth and rip away.

Firstly, you’re right – there’s no need to respond to this “gentleman”. However, I do think you should print out the emails he sent you, just to be safe.

Approach your friend the next night she comes to your house to check her email. Have a pint of ice cream (and maybe a bottle of wine), at the ready. Tell her about the emails he’s been sending you. While you’re a good friend to be concerned about how this news will affect her, it’s only a matter of her finding out now, or later. If he’s writing you emails, he’s surely writing emails to other women too – and there’s a good chance that if he’s not cheating on her now, he will at some point. It sounds as if this relationship is somewhat long distance since they have been seeing each other for almost a year, but their primary contact remains to be over email. This gives him even more opportunity to be unfaithful to her.

Help her get away from this guy as soon as possible. It’s always easier to get through a break-up that ends sooner rather than later. The longer she’s with him, the more upsetting the break-up will be. And don't worry, she'll recover in due time. And your friendship will be fine, too - once she accepts that this guy is the pits!

As for the printed emails, keep them aside just in case she doesn’t believe you, or requests to see them. Don’t offer them up, because that may upset her even more – especially on the night you give her the bad news.

Best of luck!

Lisa

Gimme some more questions, at: lisa@relationshipper.com!

Friendship Slipping Away?

2010-02-17T06:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have a friend that I have been close to for over a decade and lately she has pulled back from the friendship. When I call, she either does not return the call, or we will make indefinite plans for the future and I will not hear back from her. I know that her life is busy at the moment, but no so busy to completely preclude her from having the time to talk for a while or go out for lunch or dinner. Our situations in life have changed recently, with me graduating and getting married, while she is single and remains in school. When I broached the topic of having not talked recently, she simply said she has been in a little of a funk and not seeing anyone, but it feels like more than that to me. What is the best way to open up a discussion about this and get an honest response? I do not want to lose this friendship, but I do not want to start a dramatic discussion.

Sincerely,
Karie

Dear Karie,

Friendships can go through periods of feast and famine. One year you’re practically inseparable, and the next you hardly see each other at all. If your friend is indeed feeling a bit depressed, you should try to have patience with her and focus on drawing her out of this feeling of melancholy. After all, isn’t that what friends are for? However, you could be correct that there is some other issue lurking in the shadows of your friendship.

We all know what it’s like to experience the cold shoulder. Sometimes it’s tough to get the “true” story, even when the person admits they are upset with you. If she is reluctant to be honest about her feelings, it’s going to be difficult to resolve this situation without the “dramatic” discussion you mentioned. However, there are a couple of ways to make a quieter attempt toward a solution.

Put yourself in her position. She may perceive you as being “ahead of the game” life-wise. Perhaps she is jealous that you’re married and done with school. If you were her, what kind of attention would you desire? Send her an occasional ecard saying, “Glad you’re my friend”, or something similar. If she’s busy, offer to cook her a simple pasta dinner one night. When you talk to her, ask her how she’s doing – not just a quick, “How are you doing?” but a heartfelt, “Jennifer, how are you doing lately? I know you’ve said you feel like you’re in a funk. Are you okay?” Give her a laugh by sending an occasional text quoting an old private joke between the two of you.

It’s hard to resist a friend who bombards you with laughter and love. If she still does not respond to your appeals, you have two choices: 1) ask her definitively (once or more) if she is upset with you, or 2) don’t ask her anything, leaving your friendship open to the risk of fading into oblivion.

She may not be ready to deal with a dramatic discussion either. Give your relationship the best effort you can muster and if that doesn’t work, you may have to accept the fact that the nature of your friendship has taken a new form.

Do you have any problems with your friends? Send me your questions: lisa@relationshipper.com

Lisa

Turning Long Distance into Long-Term

2010-02-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

What are the odds that a long-distance relationship can develop and work out okay? Last year I met a guy and we hit it off just great. He's really nice and has many of the qualities I look for in men. Unfortunately I met him when he was in town visiting relatives so he had to go home because he has a good job. He's been back several times to visit me and I've gone to his town for visits but otherwise our contact has been via email and phone calls.

We don't have an agreement to be exclusive cause I think that's rather unrealistic but I haven't met anyone else who interests me. I don't know anyone who has had this type of relationship so I have nothing to relate to.

Is there much chance this can become something more or will we likely drift apart whether or not we meet someone else? I do like him a lot.

Long Distance Lover,
Oregon

Dear LDL,

I strongly believe that long distance relationships (or LDR’s) can work out if the two people involved are passionate about each other – and are willing to make sacrifices. Different people are more suited to LDR’s than others. I’ve witnessed many relationships evolve from an LDR to marriage, whether they originated from a dating website or a chance meeting, such as yours.

Think about the women and men who have spouses in the military. Many fend for themselves for months, even years, as their mates reside across the globe, risking their lives in a dangerous environment. Some of those relationships don’t work out, but many do – because they love each other, and are willing to wait and sacrifice intimacy until their mate returns.

There is one issue in your situation that gives me pause, however. It’s the issue of exclusivity. You say that you met your friend about a year ago or so, and you’ve been casually dating ever since. I think that if you are really interested in making this work, you should become exclusive to each other. LDR’s can only work if you can trust that the other person is being faithful to you.

What I would do – if you really feel that you want a long-term relationship with this man – is to simply tell him your feelings. Tell him you have really enjoyed the past “x” months together, and you’ve not really encountered another man in which you have had any real interest. Ask him if he’s considered a more committed relationship with you. If he says he has, then ask him if he would ever be willing to move your relationship to the next level and be exclusive to one another.

You say that maintaining exclusivity between the two of you isn’t really realistic – and if this is indeed true, then you’ve answered your own question…your relationship will not work out. But, if the two of you are willing to forgo other romantic prospects, then you can definitely make it work.

There are many websites offering help for LDR’s, such as: www.lovingfromadistance.com.

If you’ve been in an LDR, and have any tips to share, leave a comment below!

For all other relationship questions, send them to me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Lisa

To Move, Or Not To Move?

2010-02-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have to make a life-changing decision soon and I'm so confused. My friends and family have different opinions and of course everyone is trying to influence me but it just causes me to be more undecided.

My boyfriend has received a great job offer that is a terrific opportunity and he would be a blithering idiot to turn it down. The problem is that the job requires him to move to a state across the country. We have talked for hours about it and still can't come up with anything that is agreeable to both of us.

We have been together for over a year and have talked marriage but nothing definite because I'm not sure I want to get married now. I have a great job that I've had for 7 years. Started at the bottom and worked my way up to an important position by doing a good job. I was born in this town, have lived here all my life. All my family and friends are here.

How do I know what to do? What factors should be most important? I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life but I don't know what the "wrong" decision is!

Undecidedly undecided,
Utah

Dear Undecided,

Choosing whether or not to move away with your boyfriend is one of the toughest relationship decisions there is. How do you know whether to take a chance on love? It’s a remarkably difficult decision, requiring some intense prioritizing.

Sacrificing one’s own needs for another person is an incredibly romantic gesture. However, there is this little thing called “reality” that can make quite a mess out of the best-intentioned deeds. Sure, there are a good many people that are willing to up and move for their loved one – even to a foreign country – and there are others who aren’t as willing to take that risk. For now, we’ll just examine your particular situation.

You say that you’re not sure if you want to get married right now – which is certainly your prerogative. But don’t you think that displacing yourself far away from your good job, family and friends is a pretty big commitment in itself? Just as marriage is something that should be taken seriously, so is altering the entirety of your daily life for another person. I think it’s possible that your life would change more if you moved across the country for him, as opposed to marrying him and staying in your home town.

There was one main element of your letter that leads me to believe you should not move away with him. Or should I say, one main element that your letter lacked. You did not mention how much you loved him. You mentioned an attachment to your job, family and friends – but I didn’t hear you express any deep love for your boyfriend. If you wanted to give up everything to be with him, you could make this move work. It’s all about deciding what is really important to you, and it doesn’t seem like your relationship is your number one priority. If you saw your boyfriend as marriage material and you were resolute in wanting to start a life with him, then I’d say by all means move. However, I’m not getting this impression.

Lastly, keep in mind that this decision doesn’t have to be the final step. Should you not decide to accompany him, you could change your mind in a month. If this relationship is truly meant to be, you won’t be able to stand being apart. If you are worried about making the “wrong” decision, know that whatever you choose, it’s reversible.

If you have any additional questions, send them to me at: lisa@relationshipper.com.

Best of luck!
Lisa

Happy Valentine's Day to All!

2010-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here's hoping all of my readers enjoy a wonderful Valentine's Day, whether you celebrate the holiday or not. The photo on the left is of my boyfriend, with whom I spent the morning putzing around Northeast Connecticut, in search of adventure. Here we're at a waterfall which was mostly frozen, but for a powerful blast of water rushing through a frigid mouth lined with teeth of icicles.

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays, as it gives me the opportunity to be as romantic as I want to be. Like many, I don't believe in the commercial hype and expectations thrust upon us by greeting card and jewelry companies - but I do enjoy making a homemade gift or partaking in a "special" dinner alone.

There are so many great ways to make any year's celebration of the heart-laden holiday unique. I decided to try out one of the ideas from my upcoming book, "Three Questions" - which was to spend the entire day speaking positively. That means: no negative talk about others, no complaining, and an emphasis on compliments and a positive outlook on life in general. Boy, was that a tall order!

I wouldn't say that I succeeded in my mission, but the evening is young. However, I will say that simply trying to be more positive in my words did elevate my mood! Give it a try tonight, and let me know how it goes!

Again, have a great holiday whether you're single or in a relationship. Either way, love is all around you!

Tomorrow, we're back in the advice business! Until then...email me at lisa@relationshipper.com.

Secrets, Suspense, and Sister-in-Laws

2010-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

My husband's sister has been married for years, has 3 adult daughters, has a great sense of humor and I like her a lot. She recently told me she's been having an affair for over a year and the guy wants her to get a divorce and marry him. When she confessed all of this to me, it wasn't a total shock cause I had suspected for a while but hadn't said anything to anyone, including my husband. She begged me not to tell anyone, including my husband, and at the time I agreed not to repeat any of it to anyone but didn't make any promises about him.

What I think I should do is tell her that I can't keep something like this a secret from him any longer, that he's her brother and he loves her no matter what, and that we won't repeat it to anyone else. I don't think he's ever suspected anything and he still sees her as his "little sister" so it will bother him a lot to find out. To make matters a bit worse, the reason he got a divorce from his first wife is that she had several blatant affairs and he never had a clue.

I feel guilty keeping this from him and need an objective view of it along with an opinion of the best way to handle it.

Karen,
Virginia

Karen,

You should get the Best Sister-in-Law of the Year Award! I think it’s ironic when people share secrets and then forbid the listener from sharing it from anyone. I’m going to guess that you didn’t go banging down her door, begging for secrets! I think it’s wonderful that you’ve kept your promise and haven’t shared the details of her affair with anyone, but I do think it’s a bit unreasonable for someone to expect a wife to keep this kind of secret from her husband.

Do you remember that law (I think it’s only valid in some states now) stating that husbands and wives can’t be forced to testify against each other? Even the government recognizes the very intimate bond of marriage. Trust and communication are two of the most important aspects in relationships, and if your sister-in-law expects you to keep this doozy from your husband, she is asking too much – in my opinion. However, this kind of behavior isn’t out of character, since she’s used to keeping secrets from her own husband.

We all know what happens when we keep things from our loved ones. When they find out, they feel quite betrayed. I don’t believe that you’re betraying your husband, of course, but he will feel as such – especially since the topic of infidelity has already crossed his path once in his life. The way I look at this situation is that your SIL has started, sustained and aggravated this entire problem by 1) having an affair and 2) getting you involved.

I definitely agree that you should tell your sister-in-law that you need to confess this to your husband. Word it in a way like, “Jane, I’m having a tough time keeping this from John. I’m going to have to tell him about what’s going on, because it’s causing a lot of tension in my life. Please understand that I'm not trying to make things difficult for you, but better for my marriage."

After that, one of two things will happen. She will either be okay with that (fingers crossed!) or she will plead for you not to tell your husband. Either way, you should still tell your husband. I don’t know what the statistics are, but most people who let their secrets slip out want to get caught. If I had a skeleton in my closet, I wouldn’t mention to my brother-in-law, “Hey, I killed a guy, and he’s in my closet. Don’t tell anybody, though.” If she just needed to vent, she should have gone to a therapist or an online advice column (wink, wink).

Her response to your request to tell your husband is pretty irrelevant. This is her problem alone. Her reaction to your telling your husband about her own affair is merely a reaction to her own creation. Hopefully this won’t damage your good relationship with her, but sometimes you have to do what’s right over what makes everyone happy. Your relationship with your husband is more important and in this case, it’s best to choose him over her.

Best of luck with you and your family!

Feel free to send any questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com

Lisa

"Did You Visit a Gay Dating Website?"

2010-02-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I sat down at my computer the other day, after my husband was done with it, and was surfing on the internet, and hit the "back" button a few too many times, and wound up at the login screen of a gay dating site.

How do I ask him about this activity, without accusing him of anything?

Sincerely,
Worried.

Dear Worried,

Since this is a relationship advice website, I won’t get too technical into computer talk. However, if you check the history of your computer, you will be able to see if multiple pages were viewed at this gay dating site. There are various methods with each type of browser, but usually if you hit Control + H, the history screen will pop up.

I say this because the whole thing could be a misunderstanding – I think most of us have hit upon websites by accident that we would never intentionally visit. There are various ways this can happen: clicking on a banner ad, having a friend send us a link to something without telling us what it is, or even typing in the wrong web address.

If you still want to ask him about the site, first think about how you would want to be approached about the same problem. If you were on a gay dating site and got caught, how would you want your husband to broach the topic?

I would start off by telling him, in a kind, gentle voice, that you accidentally opened the history on the computer and noticed the website. Say, “I don’t think I went there, did you?” Unless he is a spectacular liar, his face will reveal the truth. If he looks shocked, this may segway into a more serious conversation. If he laughs, admitting that he got there by accident, then this whole thing will be realized as a silly misunderstanding.

I prefer the casual method when broaching uncomfortable situations such as these. This may not be the most effective technique for everyone, but can work for many. If you have any other ways you'd deal with it, leave a comment below!

Lisa

Got any other computer-related relationship issues? Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com. I'll even help you delve further into how to search for user web history.

Momma Boy's Momma is the Problem

2010-02-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

Lisa,

I am at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for nearly a year, and we dated for almost a year before that. Everything about our relationship is really good, if not perfect (at least for us!) with one exception. He used to be a momma's boy before I entered the picture, and while he still devotes sufficient time to her, she wants more and more. He understands my feelings, and he has tried to bridge the gap. How do I help her realize we are on the same team?
Married to Momma’s Boy
Florida

Dear Married,

I would say that your solution lies somewhere between compromise and control. It’s a very delicate balance to keep everyone happy in this situation – and the main thing you must possess is bountiful finesse.

I think it’s awesome that you asked the question, “How do I help her realize we are on the same team?” Instead of feeling threatened or intimidated by mom-in-law, you are mature enough to realize that she is feeling insecure by your presence. At least I can assume that you aren’t doing anything to inflame an already tense situation.

So since it’s clear that you are mature and reasonable, I would try and approach her directly. Start involving her more in your family activities. Invite her over for dinner, lunch, tea or dessert – just the two of you. Pretend like there isn’t any tension between the two of you. Ask her advice on something, and thank her for it. No one can resist someone who is consistently kind to them.

Start with this positive effort to improve your relationship. After a while, when she asks your husband for something that conflicts with your life, broach the topic the next time you see her. Don’t be angry, be direct and firm – with a smile. Say something like, “Yes, I know you had asked Ted to build you a new deck, but he has such a bad back, that we didn’t think it was a good idea.” Ensure your husband backs you up on these occasions.

It seems to me that you’re all right with him spending a good deal of time with her, but not excessive amounts of time. Allow her some of the attention she craves, but don’t falter when she goes overboard. A simple “no” that you follow through on is required – just the same as is suggested with spoiled children. Don’t feel guilty about it, for she’ll pick up on that right away and exploit it through your husband.

Because your husband is so caring with his mother, he is probably a very sensitive guy. Try and keep in mind that this sensitivity is part of the reason you love him, and perhaps that will help you put the situation into perspective on the days when you feel really fed up.

Best of luck with your situation!

For everyone else: email me! lisa@relationshipper.com

Five Out of Six Ain't Bad - A Family Reunion Quandary

2010-02-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

We are planning a family reunion for this summer and there are six adult children involved, with five of them being married and one single. Four of the children live in different areas of the United States and two live in the same state as we, the parents, do. It started out that we were going to try Montana and plans were pretty well established. Then one of the children said that they would not be able to make it and this person was the reason we had originally thought about Montana because that would be approximately half way for that child and the rest of us to travel. Now we are considering a destination closer to the rest of us. Does that mean that we are definitely choosing not to include the more distant child, or just being practical, since that child and spouse said they could not come? What if they changed their mind later? We think the reason they are not coming is financial. So should the rest of us suggest helping them out?

Sherrie
Long Creek, Oregon

Dear Sherrie,

Isn’t it amazing how tricky family gatherings can get? I know a lot of families that have trouble coordinating a dinner between four people who all live in the same town, let alone a family reunion with over a dozen family members scattered across the country!

I would say your best bet here, without knowing the personality types of those involved, is to just be direct. Call the child who declined the invitation, and let them know you are thinking about moving the meeting space. Remember, they declined the invitation, so you really owe them nothing – but if you are willing to give them another chance, then by all means, give it!

Tell the child, “The family is thinking about moving the reunion to . Are you absolutely sure that you don’t want to come? We really would love for you to come, but if you definitely can’t, then it just makes sense for us to have it a bit closer to home. But we absolutely don’t want you to feel left out.”

Listen to their response, and then casually offer them financial help. Say something like, “If you want us to contribute a couple of dollars toward plane fare, we’d be willing to kick in some money, and I know would too.” Only offer money if you really want to – because you’re under no obligation to pay for their trip. But, it would just be a nice thing to do.

Then, if they still decline your offer, tell your child, “Well I definitely want to do something special. Maybe after the reunion we can get together – just us.”

This should pacify the situation – and this way, you know you’ve forth the best effort you could have.

Either way, enjoy the reunion!

Lisa

Keep those questions coming: lisa@relationshipper.com

John Edwards Scandal Continues

2010-02-05T05:03:00.000-08:00

The John Edwards scandal regarding his affair and subsequent child with Rielle Hunter seems to be snowballing into a massive cluster of increasing icky-ness. As if it wasn't enough that Senator Edwards cheated on his terminally ill wife, he now can add allegations that he tried to get another individual to say he was the father, he wanted to have a doctor submit a false paternity test claiming he was not the father, he wanted to steal a diaper from the baby to have a secret paternity test, and he recorded a sex tape with the visibly pregnant Hunter to the roster.

What sort of advice should we give Senator Edwards in this situation? I think that Edwards' behavior after his misdeeds is almost more telling than what he did "wrong" in the first place. Edwards could have had an affair and fathered a child with a woman who was not his wife - fessed up to it, and somehow garnered the nation's respect to some degree. Instead he lied about it, repeatedly, and concocted many elaborate and (in my opinion) sick cover-ups to mask what he did.

Instead of heading over to Haiti in an effort to cleanse his image, perhaps he should have worked on rectifying the problems he started at home. Of course, much of what we are accusing Senator Edwards of is only allegations found in Andrew Young's new book, but we will assume they are true for the purposes of this conversation.

The moral of the story is, we all do things wrong. But perhaps we should, instead of panicking about our misdeeds, think about the best way to fix them - for everyone involved. Do you have something in your life you've done that you're figuratively "stealing diapers" in order to cover up? Or should you be admitting your faults, and making the necessary steps toward cleaning up your mess?

Email your relationship questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com . I do hope they won't be as complicated as Senator Edwards, for your sake and mine! : ) Happy Friday!

Messy Friend Makes Mess of Friendship

2010-02-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Relationshipper,

I have a serious situation involving my best friend and roommate. Lately, she seems to feel that she doesn't need to do any cleaning around the house. She has not said this, but never does anything. She comes home every day, sits on the couch, with the computer, and watches television. She leaves her stuff lying all over the house. She can't even pick up after herself! I have already nicely hinted and had a brief talk with her. How should I approach her on this without losing her friendship?

Sincerely,
Lost in a Messy Space

Dear Lost,

I know it’s tough to ask someone to start pulling their weight. You say that “lately” she hasn’t been cleaning around the house. Does that mean she used to? If so, there is probably one of two things going on here. Either 1) something happened to make her resentful and she has stopped cleaning on purpose, or 2) she is depressed.

Seeing that she is your best friend, I’m going to presume that she is not depressed, or you would have been aware of that. If you’re sure that her lack of cleaning hasn’t got to do with her state of mind, then it’s likely something happened to trigger her lack of assistance around the house. It could very well be that you said something that subsequently got misconstrued by her – and resulted in her deciding she no longer needed to contribute to the household.

I’d have another talk with her. You have two choices: to be direct, or sly. Most people prefer the direct method – which is the fastest way to get to the heart of the matter. Begin a frank discussion with your friend and ask her in a pleasant tone if she would start picking up after herself more. I generally use this tactic as a last resort, instead starting off with more casual requests.

To be casual about it, you could begin by kidding around with her. When she’s sitting on the living room couch, you could pick up something of hers that she’s left laying around and joke, “What is all this? Get this crap outta here!” There is no Internet font for sarcasm, so I repeat: this should be said in a joking fashion. Some people will get the “hint” from this alone.

Another technique is to have a party – or at least invite a few people over. Tell her you’re having a party, and you want the house to be spic and span before the guests arrive. If she cooperates and helps you clean up, it might remind her how nice it feels to live in a clean home.

Best of luck!

If you’ve got any cohabitation relation problems, email me your questions to: lisa@relationshipper.com!

Thanks for reading!

"Dull and Boring" Relationship?

2010-02-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. At first our lives were full of excitement. We would go out and do things on the spur of the moment. We would find ways to make all areas of our lives exciting and new. Here lately however, it feels like we are more like roommates that have boring lives. We rarely go out and do anything just on the spur of the moment. We have the same schedule that we follow all the time. Everything is just so bland and boring. When we try to come up with new ideas we can't. It seems like we have already done everything. How do we rekindle the excitement that we used to have, and make our lives new and exciting like it used to be, instead of boring and dull like it has become now?

Trisha,
Wisconsin

Dear Trisha,

Your issue is certainly not uncommon. Many couples experience a lull after the initial excitement of a new relationship. In the beginning it feels like there are endless possibilities, which are energized by a desire to impress the other. We are high on love, and even something as simple as eating breakfast together can be a world of exhilaration. Just looking into each other’s beautiful eyes is a whirlwind experience.

But time passes, and the joys that once gave us ecstasy begin to lose their luster. We may even start blaming each other for the lull. We try to coax our mate into bringing us that same feeling of energy, by taking us somewhere or doing something fun. Chances are, they are in the same position you are, and just don’t know how to tackle their now monotonous lifestyle. Also, your partner may be feeling too pressured to perform, and will just settle on doing nothing instead of trying – and possibly failing.

So how do you overcome this? Well, the first step is to take responsibility for your own boredom. Know that you mustn’t look to your partner to inspire you.

Secondly, try to aptly pin down exactly what you’re missing. What is it in the past that you feel you lack now? It’s not just as simple as “excitement”. Is it a feeling of “newness”? Is it a feeling of the unknown, or risk, that you once enjoyed? Make a mental note of the five times you and your husband had the most fun. What was the common theme? Maybe you’re just looking to feel as loved as you did when you first got together. The perception of having a “dull” relationship is usually not as straightforward as you are just “bored”.

There is always something new to undertake in life. If you’re not finding it together, find it yourself. Start a new class or hobby to improve yourself. Learn more about the world, or hone untapped talents. Go on a vacation to somewhere you’ve never been (and take him with you)!

Both you and your husband are complex, fascinating people. Figure out if it’s you who needs to come out of her shell, or your relationship needs to take an unexpected turn, like buying a couple of plane tickets to Chicago for a weekend trip for some deep dish pizza.

Don't forget to email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com with your questions!

Good Samaritan is Running Out of Cash

2010-02-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

My friend has an adequate income from a reliable job. However, he has been a single parent and put his kids through college. One of them also had some health issues that was not covered by insurance and he footed that bill while his son was in school. He refinanced his home twice to swing all these expenses. Now his salary barely covers the mortgage, utilities and some debts that remain following putting the boys through school. My own salary went down during this period from a ¾ time professional position to ½ time. I have sold some things to help my friend and I have ignored my own bills to help my friend. How can we both dig our ways out of this financial hole, and keep it from damaging our friendship, too?
Strapped for Cash,
California

Dear Strapped,

I think it’s so great that you are helping your friend out. You should get a Friend of the Year Award! While I think it’s wonderful that your friend is a devoted single parent and you have ignored your own needs to help him out, I would tread carefully on this situation.

Firstly, I think you should cease to ignore your own bills to help your friend. Again, this selfless act is admirable, but you are only creating a similar situation for yourself. Always make sure your own bills are paid before paying someone else’s. Sure, there are certain instances where you have to sacrifice in order to help a friend, but it looks as if this might be a habit of yours. Break that habit. He made the decision to have children, not you. Ultimately, it is his responsibility.

Your friend could probably benefit from a financial advisor. Without knowing the specifics about his financial situation, there may be certain programs that he could take advantage of. He could also consider asking his children to help pay off their school debts, as many parents do. But again, these issues are your friend’s responsibility, not yours.

As for you, while you have been generous in the past, you have a perfect excuse to slow or stop your monetary contributions: your salary has been cut. Focus your energies on getting back up to full time – or doing some side work, like tutoring, bookkeeping, or whatever work it is that you do.

I have a feeling that this friendship might be a little romantic in nature – which is fine, of course! Just make sure that you take care of your own needs first. I know you are worried about damaging the friendship, but what kind of friend wants to see the other dig themselves a financial grave? If he truly cares about you, he’ll understand. Now go get on www.monster.com or www.elance.com!

Got some more questions? Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com

A Little Levity for Monday Morning - Why Men Shouldn't Have Advice Columns

2010-02-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook this morning. I couldn't resist sharing it with you all.

Can You Say "I Told You So"?

2010-01-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,
My sister has been hanging out with a bad group of people, and now she is going to go out driving with some of these boys. She's my younger sister, so after she told me this, I threatened to tell our dad if she went. She then decided to stay home.Later on that night, we find out that the car of people got into an accident and my sister's best friend almost died. As her older sister, should I just let the situation go like nothing happened, or should I tell her I told her so? I care a lot about her and I want to make sure my intentions are in her head, but I also don't want to make her have negative feelings toward me.
Scared in Mississippi

Dear Scared,
I am so happy to hear that your sister is okay. You should be proud of yourself that you obviously had a very direct impact on your sister’s welfare.

I can understand that you feel protective over your younger sister, and I commend you for taking the initiative toward keeping her safe. I can see that you would be tempted to bust out an “I told you so” – anyone would. However, you have to understand that your sister (who I assume is a teen) is in a rebellious stage right now. Telling her “I told you so” will only make her more inclined to resist rules. Teenagers generally don’t have thoughts like, “My big sister was right before, so I should probably listen to her.” They think, “There is a party tonight, and I want to go. I don’t care what anyone says.”

The best option for you at the moment is to continue with the way you’ve been going. If you like, check in with her about this recent incident. Say something like, “Do you understand now why I didn’t want you hanging out with that group of people?” If she does, then try to get some kind of agreement from her that she’ll be spending more time pursuing friends of a higher caliber. If she argues with you and says this accident wasn’t their fault, then be prepared to make more threats to be going to your parents with this information in the future. But for now, lay low.

Keep in mind that your sister is primarily looking for two things in her life right now: attention and acceptance. She will rebel against anything that distances her from either of those two qualities. Encourage her to join you and your friends if they’re doing something cool. Bring her to the mall to go shopping. Accentuate the positive, and perhaps she’ll stop spending time with negative people.

Best of luck.

Feel free to email me at lisa@relationshipper.com with any of your questions! Have a great weekend!

Denmark's Take on How to be Happy

2010-01-29T06:05:00.000-08:00

Hello again readers! Today I want to discuss happiness for a moment.

The “Blue Zones Project” found an answer about two years ago to the elusive questions:

“What makes people happy?”

and

“Who is the happiest country?”

We’ll start with the second question first. Their results determined that Denmark is the happiest country in the world. This ABC report on the findings is a bit (in my opinion, a little disrespectful, and) tongue in cheek when they say, “cold, dreary, unspectacular Denmark”. Regardless, there are several reasons that Blue Zones awarded this peninsula situated in the northern part of the globe with the title.

A lack of status differentiation between social or economic classes. Featured in the ABC segment is a middle-aged garbage man who rates himself about as happy as a Danish Price – who prefers to keep his lineage quiet, and does carpentry for a living. You’ll find no elitism or snobbery here.

High taxes = Feeling "tucked-in", like a child. Danes pay some hefty taxes, between 50-70% of their income. Does this cause riots and protests? Nope. This study purports that taxpayers feel “tucked in” and safe, knowing the government is going to take care of them, through an effective and all-inclusive socialist system. The government not only covers life essentials like health care and education, but health and wellness benefits such as social club memberships.

Trust. Everywhere. I remember hearing The Strokes’ lead singer Julian Casablancas (a half-Dane born in NYC), speak of a childhood trip to visit family in Denmark. Being from New York, he couldn’t believe how residents would leave houses unlocked and valuable merchandise sitting on the street unattended. That’s how it is there – everyone can be trusted, and the “lock it up” mentality is non-existent.

This is just a brief overview of the study, but I think it raises some interesting points about how we interact with one another. Said in different words, Danes are happy because:

·    they respect one another
·    they relinquish their wealth for the common good – knowing it will come right back to them
·    they trust each other

If that isn’t a recipe for total happiness in life, I don’t know what is. The only problem in applying these aspects to our own life, is it is much easier to practice these techniques when we are surrounded by others who do the same. If our circle of friends and family are disrespectful, untrustworthy and selfish, it makes it much more difficult to have successful relationships.

This is why I encourage others to surround themselves with as many supportive, caring, non-toxic people as possible. Connecting with kind people can have an incredibly positive effect on our lives.

John Gottman About Marital Stress and Children

2010-01-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

The first time I ever heard about Dr. John Gottman was in Malcolm Gladwell's book, "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking", where Gladwell gives an overview of Gottman's "Love Lab". The "Love Lab" is just a catchy term for where he studies couples - and through the years, he has nearly perfected the ability to determine the fate of individual relationships. He has up to a 91% accuracy rate in predicting whether newly married couples will eventually get a divorce - and here's the kicker: he only has to watch them for fifteen minutes. Some have pooh-poohed Gottman's ability, but whether you believe that statistic or not, the guy is immensely likeable, full of positive problem solving, and great advice.

I was watching some of his youtube videos, and came across this one about the effective of marital stress on children. Fascinating stuff. If you have four minutes to spare, give this a watch:

Is She Too Picky?

2010-01-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

Relationshipper,
Is there a such thing possible as someone’s standards being too high? And if yes, how would you describe that? I often feel that way and lately, as I've discussed with others exactly what I'm hunting for, they seem not to understand what I'm making such a "big deal" about. Simply put, I don't like to waste time with someone who's likely not to be around for a long time (read: forever). I don't often come across possible romantic interest that share my morals and views, it makes me wonder if I'm asking for way too much.
Thanks,
Connie

Dear Connie,
It can be difficult to gauge whether or not we are being appropriately selective with our potential mates, or abnormally picky. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be picky. Having standards that are too low can get you in even more trouble. In order to determine if you are being overly finicky, you need to assess the quality or qualities you are rejecting. In your case, you state that you’re looking for someone who shares your morals and views.

Having similar morals and views is very important in a relationship. If two people are quite different in their belief systems, this can trigger a multitude of conflicts. Having similar standpoints on major issues make it much easier to compromise when problems arise. So I actually think it’s a great thing that you are sticking to your guns and looking for someone who shares your outlook on life.

However, there was one bit that gave me pause. The way you worded your concern – that you wanted someone to be around “forever” – makes me wonder if you’re not pushing men away because you’re afraid they will leave you. I can’t imagine why your friends would ever question your desire to have a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone who has a similar stance on life than you do. Is it possible that you’re searching for a saint? If you are indeed looking for someone who is 100% perfect, I do suggest toning down your standards just a touch. But if you sincerely just want a good, decent man who is going to stick around for the long haul, then I’m with ya, baby.

I cover this very topic in my new book, titled “3 Questions”, which is due to be released in Spring, 2010.

Email me now at lisa@relationshipper.com with any question you’ve got!

Next Up: Men + Women = Communication Disasters

2010-01-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

Lisa,
Why are men and women so different? To be more specific, why do men and women argue differently? I can create an argument for or against something and I am willing to hear arguments against the belief or opinion and I understand that people are arguing against the belief. I take this argument and consider it in my argument. However, my wife will decide on something and I will argue against it but she takes it as a personal attack against her not the argument. Talking to my friends it seems as if this is status quo for men and women. Why?
Stumped,
Brewster, New York

Stumped,
This is a great question! Let’s discuss why I think this happens.

Although women are often regarded as better communicators, men are considerably more direct. When men talk about a type of car they like, they’re just talking about cars. When women talk about the car they like, they’re not just talking about cars. They’re talking about: how they feel about the car company itself, a childhood experience inside one of those cars, the way the brand’s ad campaign makes them feel, or a host of other issues they’ve associated with this inanimate object.

So if a woman tells you that she loves Jaguars because her brother owned one, it might mean that she misses her brother who is stationed in Iraq right now. If you hate Jaguars and tell her so, she will immediately believe that you don’t care about either her or her brother, and you are being entirely insensitive to her needs.

This may be an over-simplified example, but this is often the way women think. There is most likely some kind of personal element she is gathering from your argument – with an irrefutable truth or fear at the bottom of it. You may say, “I had a friend who worked for Jaguar, and they said the guys who there don’t know what they’re doing.” As innocent as that argument sounds, she might interpret that as you think your friend knows more than she does. This belief may be based on another comment you made about her intelligence weeks ago, and she’s been stewing about it ever since

In order to diffuse the situation when your wife becomes unreasonably agitated, it’s best to approach her with kindness. If she is upset and you get mad at her in return, she will now not only feel insulted, but that you dislike her, too. Simply, but genuinely say, “I must have said something that bothered you. Could you tell me what it is, because I probably just misspoke and you’ll feel better once you know that I didn’t mean to upset you.” Women are always hoping that their men will prove their fears wrong. She may be reluctant to tell you what’s going on in her head, but if you come to her with genuine concern, she will be grateful that you care – and surely soften up a bit. After she has calmed down, remind her that she should trust in you, and not automatically perceive something negative when you are having a casual debate. Let her know that she should give you more credit, and that it upsets you when she assumes you must be criticizing her.

Try and remember that keen sensitivity present in women is the same quality that inspires women to take care of every little detail in their family’s lives, and ensures their children are clothed, fed, bathed and hugged by the time the lights go out at night.

Men & women communication disasters don’t need to occur. Let’s bridge the gap.

Don't forget to email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com with your questions! Looking forward to talking to you!

Caregiver has Lame Duck Sister

2010-01-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

My mother was diagnosed with cancer last year and has since had an operation to remove the tumor and has completed 6 weeks of radiation therapy. As a result of the tumor my mother lost her left eye.

My mother lives alone, doesn't work and only has two daughters, myself and my sister. I live only 8 minutes away from my mother and my sister lives about 25 minutes. I am constantly having to do things for my mother like take her to the doctor and take her shopping, etc

My question to you is how do I get my sister to participate more with the responsibility of my mother and her needs? My sister has always been closer to my mother and I just don't realize why she won't step up and take care of things rather than naturally letting them default to me. I am the oldest sister but she has always been closer to Mom. I really need her help since I too have a family. My sister is divorced and only has 1 child. I have two and they both have special needs.

Frustrated,

Decatur, IL

Dear Frustrated,

Firstly, I just want to give my warmest wishes to you and your family. Your devotion to your mother and children is wonderful, and they are fortunate to have you.

As for your sister, she is clearly being selfish. You mentioned that your sister is closer to your mother. I think it is possible that seeing her mother in pain is too difficult for her, so she chooses to avoid it. This is something we can all relate to and have some degree of sympathy for. However, she really should be helping her mother and sister out. Selfish love puts boundaries on itself – like not wanting to see someone in pain. True love breaks its own limitations, and does what’s best for the other person.

So how do you get her to help? You can’t force your sister to do anything – nor should you. It’s ultimately her decision. I don’t know how much you’ve asked her for help in the past, but I would continually ask her for assistance here and there. Casually mention to her, “Mom needs to go grocery shopping, and I’ve got so much to do with my own family. Would you mind taking her this week?” If she does indeed dislike seeing her mother in pain, ask her to do things that don’t involve her seeing her mother – like picking up some medication or other little errands. If you start small, she might just get over that uncomfortable feeling eventually.

If this doesn’t work, consider having a more frank discussion with your sister. In a calm, non- threatening manner, broach the topic with her. Ask her if she could start helping you out on a regular basis. If she refuses, explain to her how overwhelmed you feel, and if she helped you, your quality of life would improve exponentially.

However, the truth of the matter is that you can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Suppose you didn’t have a sister at all – wouldn’t your situation be entirely different? You’d have the same responsibilities, but not the resentment. You shouldn’t be taken advantage of by her, but at the same time, don’t let her irresponsibility ruin your day. Make firm but fair appeals that she help you, and if that fails, keep helping your Mom and know you’ve done the right thing. Also, please make sure you're scheduling enough "me" time to rejuvenate yourself after your care-giving duties.

The very best of luck to you and your family.

Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com with any more questions!

Problems in Relationships of all Kinds.

2010-01-21T06:30:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for sending me your great questions about your problems in relationships of all kinds. Keep 'em coming! So far I've heard questions about all sorts of issues, from a slacking sister to a mama's boy. I hate to hear that people are having troubles, but am fascinated by everyone's individual issues.

I'm so excited to get started and get everyone answers to their relationship problems! You'll start seeing my advice in the next couple of days.

Thanks again, everyone!

Free Relationship Advice

2010-01-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Relationshipper! My name is Lisa, and I've got an invitation for you.

Email me at: lisa@relationshipper.com with any questions any relationship problem you may have - and I'll post it here, along with my advice! I have a passion for helping people with their relationships, so I'm offering free relationship advice for everyone.

It can be any kind of relationship problem, from an issue with your boyfriend to a dilemma with a coworker.

Later on in 2010 (or MMX, as I like to call it), I will be publishing a book called "Three Questions", which is written exclusively for women, and it will solve many of their dating and relationship problems - all the reader will have to do is answer three questions, and the solution will appear. Sound good? Well then stay tuned, and subscribe to my blog to keep up with any updates.

I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Lisa